All The News That's Fun To Print
Boardwalk Barker | Satire, News and Opinions, & Coastal Commentary from Delmarva
Coastal Delaware just got a little saltier. Boardwalk Barker brings a fresh, satirical edge to local news coverage.
BREAKING HALLOWEEN NEWS ALERT
DHSS Officials: Halloween Candy To Supplement SNAP Losses
GOP leaders argue that it provides “both short-term caloric relief and long-term energy crashes that may discourage further protests.”
HEADLINES
NASA Time-Travel Program Shaken After First Chrononaut Begs Not to Return to Future
“Please, don’t send me back there. You don’t know what’s coming. This is paradise.”
Maryland Man Discovers African Ancestry. Leans Into new Identity.
Local realtor, Jeremy Cobb, recently joined Ancestry.com where DNA results revealed 1% of his genetics originated in sub-Saharan Africa.
Trump Claims Plate Tectonics A Democrat Hoax
Trump also warned supporters about “foreign plates” threatening America’s stability.
Schell Bros Announce Opening of 'Cape-Ville', 'A Classic American Beach Town Experience'
Quaint Village To Reproduce Old-Timey Charm Of Classic American Coastal Communities. 'Unused' State Park Land To Be Reclaimed.
Area Woman Shocked to Learn Surf Bagel Not a Cryptocurrency
The SurfBagel token was expected to rise after breakfast trading opened.
DELDOT To Replace All Route 1 Traffic Lights With Roundabouts
Construction Is Set To Begin Memorial Day Weekend. Sussex County Council Spokesman Touts 'End Of Beach Congestion', 'Return Of Old-Timey Quality of Life' In Cape Region.
Local Idiot Launches Media Empire From '06 Toyota
“I want to prove that one person with a cheap laptop, a working sense of humor, and a mild disregard for authority can still make something meaningful"
Trump Signs Executive Order Replacing Delaware With Greenland
Delaware Will Be Allowed To Remain Where It Is For Now. President Calls For Border Fence, Says Delaware Will Pay For It. Biden Seen Eating Booger-Flavored Ice Cream at TICS in Rehoboth.
SPECIAL SCIENCE REPORT: Exclusive! MIKEY "FAT ALBERT" MANGIANO Reports. Comet 3I/Atlas Nears Earth. Now youse got a science guy.
SPECIAL SCIENCE REPORT: Exclusive!
Mikey “Fat Albert” Mangiano Reports: The Space Rock That’s Definitely Up to Somethin’
Slaughter Beach, DE - I ain’t sayin’, I’m just sayin’.
Name’s Mikey “Fat Albert” Mangiano, your regular guy’s astrophysicist — the only reporter on the coast who takes complicated space stuff and breaks it down so youse can understand that jawn without a PhD or a telescope subscription.
So apparently, the sky people spotted somethin’ called 3-I slash ATLAS. Third “interstellar object,” which means it ain’t from around here — like an out-of-state plate flyin’ through the turnpike. They say it’s haulin’ through space at about 130 thousand miles an hour. Buddy, that’s faster than my cousin Tony on the Schuylkill when the Birds are playin’.
Anyway, NASA swears it’s just a comet — real chill, totally natural, definitely not spyin’ on us. Yeah, okay. And the IRS just wants to “chat.” They claim it’s made of nickel, carbon dioxide, and cyanide. Cyanide, pal. That ain’t “space dust.” That’s malice.
Now the eggheads over at Hubble and Webb — sounds like a law firm that sues seagulls — say this rock’s about three miles wide. Three miles! That’s half the freakin’ boardwalk. It’s got what they call a “coma,” which I guess means it’s leakin’ gas all over creation. If somethin’ that big’s passin’ gas in our direction, I’m movin’ inland to Millsboro.
Then you got that Harvard guy, Avi Loeb, sayin’ maybe it’s alien tech. At first I thought he was a nut job. Now I’m thinkin’ he’s the only one payin’ attention. I mean, you don’t gotta be Einstein — or even that kid from Good Will Hunting — to figure maybe we’re bein’ scoped out.
Of course NASA says, “We’re in no danger.” Yeah, right. That’s what they said about the hornets, the ozone, and Zuckerberg. They say it’ll stay “hundreds of millions of miles away.” Pal, that’s what I said about my ex, and she still showed up.
So what’s the takeaway? Youse got a three-mile-wide, cyanide-soaked iron potato blastin’ through the neighborhood at Mach God-Knows-What, and the experts are like, “No worries.” Forget it. I’m loadin’ up the trunk with Chef Boy-Ar-Dee and Poland Spring. Laugh now, but when 3-I ATLAS turns around for another pass, remember who tried to warn ya.
Mikey “Fat Albert” Mangiano — for Boardwalk Barker, the only news smart enough to panic early.
QUICK BITES
New Route 1 Speed Cameras Award Points for Creativity
Motorists can now earn style bonuses for imaginative speeding. “A drift through the roundabout earns double,” says DelDOT.
DNREC Warns of Invasive Species Known as ‘Out-of-State Cousin
Officials say the species is harmless but tends to overstay and drink all your Yuengling. He also really is into Grotto Pizza and mini-golf.
State Tourism Board Rebrands Delaware as ‘New Jersey’s Cool Basement
Officials insist the new slogan reflects “authentic modesty and slightly better air conditioning.”
DelDOT Announces Next Roundabout Will Be Shaped Like a Dolphin for No Reason
Planners promise “enhanced aesthetics and increased confusion.” A public hearing will be held mid-traffic next Tuesday.
SPORTS
All the Local Teams: Status Updates in One Easy Chart
Covering all of Delmarva's favorite sports teams, and the 76ers.
NFL Stock Watch: Terry McLauren, Commanders
Do we like Terry this week or not? Find out below.
WHERE ARE THEY NOW?: Rich Kotite
Former head coach of the Philadelphia Eagles and New York Jets, Rich Kotite. Currently living a quiet life of...
DELMARVA VOICES
REVIEW: MILTON MIDDLE SCHOOL PRESENTS: "WINNIE THE POOH IN THE HUNDRED ACRE WOOD"
There are evenings in the theater that alter one’s relationship to art, and then there are evenings that simply...
OPINION: There's Too Much Of It About And Someone Should Do Something
It's time to straighten this mess out and somebody should do it soon before it affects more factors.
POLL: IS CANCEL CULTURE ON DELMARVA?
Results of BwB/Quipipinac U. Polling (Sep 3-Oct 2, 2025) (margine of error +/- 99%)
“No Kings” Protest? More Like “Yes Queens!” — A Runway Revolution Hits Rehoboth
Antifa doesn't have to mean Anti-Fashion.
"...within minutes, Route 1 had transformed into a catwalk of defiance, sequins..."