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Boardwalk Barker | Satire, News and Opinions, & Coastal Commentary from Delmarva
Coastal Delaware just got a little saltier. Boardwalk Barker brings a fresh, satirical edge to local news coverage.
BREAKING NEWS
Wilmington Bootstrap Factory Permanently Shuts Down, Moving To Mexico
“We’re in a society where people want living wages, rent that’s less than their paycheck, and the ability to afford insulin. Nobody wants to put in 80 hours a week for the satisfaction of knowing they earned it the old-fashioned way — with joint pain and untreated depression.”
HEADLINES
BLACK FRIDAY CHAOS:
Dover Woman, Toting Vintage Cabbage Patch and Tickle-Me Elmo Dolls, Tramples 12 In Walmart Rampage. "Just for old-time's sake"
Biden Pardons Seagull for Thanksgiving As Family Smiles and Plays Along
Former First Lady, Dr. Jill Biden and a few select family members were present to play along with the confused elder statesman.
RFKjr : If You Thought COV1D-19 Was Something You're Gonna LOVE COV1D-26!
In true grifter style consistent with the Trump Administration, the press event also included several product launches
Four Butchered In Gruesome Squabble Over Monopoly Dog Token
A Wicomico County Sheriff's spokesman confirmed that no Free Parking house rule was in play. Authorities report Wallace was, allegedly, a sore loser.
AOC Passes No Legislation But Still Mixes Heckuva Daquiri
"If you’ve tasted her Woo-Woo, you’d vote for her too.”
Mike Johnson Sponsors Bill Making Epstein Island The 51st State
An official bird: The Atlantic Bubbablower, and a memorable State Motto: “Ssshhhhhh!”
Guy at Christiana Mall Looks a Little Like John Lithgow
Shoppers report that while he was definitely not John Lithgow, he was undeniably Lithgow enough to make everyone mildly uncertain
SPECIAL REPORT: Local MAGA Man Has No Balls
Haskins recruited his buddy Dale, who owns a 1997 backhoe and has a well-documented history of making bad decisions
STATE OF EMERGENCY: KRAKEN STORMS DELAWARE SHORE
Kraken Storms Delaware Shore, State Resources Stretched To Breaking point
Americans Hope Trump Gets Those Checks Out Before Going To Prison
“I want consequences,” said office manager Devin Robinson. “Real ones. Orange jumpsuit. Perp walk. Dateline special. The whole package.
But FIRST, I want those sweet, sweet Tariff dollars. After that? Cancel him.
PHOTO JOURNAL - Gavin Newsome: Free spending Liberal or more Patriotic Than You?
Newsome under fire after reports of a dedicated "Flag Brigade" who follow him carrying full-sized flags in case he unexpectedly walks near a camera.
Indian River High Sophomore Earns A+ on Moby Dick Essay, Immediately Suspended
The essay allegedly demonstrated a coherent understanding of Captain Ahab’s motivation, a feat previously achieved only by literary scholars and masochist
HOLIDAY REPORT: CHAOS ON THE BOARDS! Realtors Swarm Santa
Children hoping to meet Santa were forced to wait behind the growing crowd of brokers
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RECENT NEWS
Schell Bros Announces Building of 'Cape-ville' Near Lewes
Quaint Theme Village To Reproduce Old-Time Charm Of Area. 'Unused' State Park Land To Be Reclaimed.
Area Man DOESN’T Get Robbed in Baltimore — “It Was a Pleasant Change”
“Usually we can count on at least one guy yelling ‘Ayy yo lemme hold dat’ within 20 minutes of arrival.”
Lewes Man, Community Celebrate Rare Achievement: A Dental Appointment
Only Eight months Wait
Trump Declares Plate Tectonics a Democrat Hoax
Trump also warned supporters about “foreign plates” threatening America’s stability.
Stephen Miller Alleges Emancipation Proclamation Was Signed by Autopen, Calls Validity Into Question
“Illegally Freed Millions,” Says Stephen Miller, Citing Technical Error in 1863 Executive Action
PSA: Protect Your Valuables — Place Them Safely in Your Shoes Before Entering the Ocean
Local authorities are reminding beachgoers to take extra precautions with their personal belongings this season — and one simple trick is proving remarkably effective: always...
NASA Time-Travel Program Shaken After First Chrononaut Begs Not to Return to Future
“Please, don’t send me back there. You don’t know what’s coming. This is paradise.”
Area Woman Shocked to Learn Surf Bagel Not a Cryptocurrency
The SurfBagel token was expected to rise after breakfast trading opened.
DELDOT To Replace All Route 1 Traffic Lights With Roundabouts
Construction Is Set To Begin Memorial Day Weekend. Sussex County Council Spokesman Touts 'End Of Beach Congestion', 'Return Of Old-Timey Quality of Life' In Cape Region.
Delaware Legislature Announces County Redistricting Plans
Dems determined to gerrymander the state county lines to assure "progressive dominance" across Delaware. Governor Meyer lands plan as "Just the kind of wasteful distraction our voters need."
Rehoboth Police Officer and Roommate Celebrate 20 Years of Heterosexual Living w/Champagne Brunch
Local law enforcement veteran Officer Todd Kelner and his longtime roommate Bradley “Brad” Dempsey marked a major milestone...
Fenwick Island Treasure Hunter Unearths Cache of Lost Coins, Could Be Worth Fives of Dollars
In what experts are calling “a modest windfall” and “technically a find,” a local treasure hunter has unearthed...
WHERE ARE THEY NOW?: Kim Davis
Checking In With the Gay Marriage Meany
Davis last week suffered a humiliating and expensive blow when the Supreme Court refused to hear her appeal from lower court rulings, essentially leaving Obergefell v. Hodges—the landmark 2015 ruling guaranteeing marriage equality—untouched, signaling that despite the Court’s conservative shift, same-sex marriage remains settled law. It also...
DELMARVA VOICES
Revolutionary Pop Producer Creates Song With No Rap Feature
“I thought… what if—hear me out—we just don’t put a rapper on this one?”
Local Vegan Does CrossFit (apparently Also Medal of Honor Winner, Astronaut, and Nobel Laureate)
Guests at The Blue Moon were treated to live jazz, a tasteful buffet, and an unexpected encounter with a man who made sure everyone knew he was both vegan and a CrossFitter.
HOA Interprets “Over My Dead Body” as Binding Consent, Pushes Through Mailbox Redesign
Residents of the Maple Crest Estates community in Lewes were stunned Tuesday when the neighborhood HOA voted 5–1 to approve a controversial mailbox redesign, citing a homeowner’s offhand remark of “Over my dead body” as the deciding vote.
Tranche of Epstein Emails Gives News Outlets Reason to Dust Off "Tranche",First Time Since Watergate
In a rare linguistic event not seen since the Ford Administration, major American news outlets simultaneously revived the word “tranche” on Friday.
Ghost of Deceased New Castle Woman Files Restraining Order Against Persistent Medium
“She keeps dragging me back for her little show-and-tell. Enough already.”
“No Kings” Protest? More Like “Yes Queens!” — A Runway Revolution Hits Rehoboth
Antifa doesn't have to mean Anti-Fashion.
"...within minutes, Route 1 had transformed into a catwalk of defiance, sequins..."
REVIEW: MILTON MIDDLE SCHOOL PRESENTS: "WINNIE THE POOH IN THE HUNDRED ACRE WOOD"
There are evenings in the theater that alter one’s relationship to art, and then there are evenings that simply...
Cheeky Somelier Snickers To Self After diners Accept Bottle of Sub-optimal Bordeaux
I smiled, the way only a sommelier can smile — with the pity of a saint and the glee of a man about to commit light fraud. “I have just the thing,” I told him.
BwB EXCLUSIVE: POL POT CENTENNIAL DRAWS BIG NAME COMEDIANS
Bill Burr, Dave Chapelle, and Louis C.K. Headline Cambodian Celebration
Event marked what would have been the 100th birthday of late, blood-thirsty, Cambodian dictator Pol Pot.
Click below - SEE THE EXCLUSIVE PHOTOS (and some words)