HEADLINES
Trump Signs Executive Order To Replace Delaware With Greenland
In Rehoboth Beach, former President Joe Biden was seen outside TICS Ice Cream Shop, apparently unfazed by the developments. Witnesses reported Biden enjoying what one employee identified as "Booger Blast" — a novelty flavor introduced for April Fool’s Day but left in the freezer by accident...
Kennedy Center Demands Puccini’s "Il Trittico" Be Performed Strictly in English
By Arnold Santos | Associate Editor Arts
WASHINGTON — The newly restructured, aggressively patriotic Kennedy Center board announced this week that all operas written in “foreign or confusing languages” will now be performed exclusively in English, beginning with Puccini’s Il Trittico this March.
Senate Report: Boogeying at an All-time Low
In addition to boogeying, there has been a steep decline in booty shaking and getting funky, while chilling and posting up have increased slightly in recent decades.
Trump Admonishes Advisors After Discovering “Green Land” Is Not a Golf Resort
WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump reportedly called an emergency meeting of top advisors this week after briefly seeing a map on Fox News and realizing that Greenland is spelled as one word — and, more troublingly, has almost nothing to do with golf...
"Territorial Pissings", Delmarva’s #2 Nirvana Cover Band, Swears Off Ever Playing Kennedy Center
The announcement came as a surprise to many, primarily because no one has ever asked Territorial Pissings to play the Kennedy Center, nor is there any record of the band being considered for such an invitation.
Immigrant Pet Eating Crime down 100% in 2025
SPRINGFIELD, USA — In what officials are calling a historic victory for law, order, and household animals everywhere, reports of immigrants eating family pets have reportedly fallen 100 percent in the twelve months since Donald Trump returned to the White House.
According to local authorities, the dramatic drop comes after years of unchecked pet consumption allegedly flourished under the Biden administration, when “soft leadership” allowed immigrants to freely roam suburban...
Man Convinced Homeless Secretly Drive BMWs, Own Beach Houses
“I’m not heartless,” Mark clarified. “If I knew they were really homeless, that’d be different. But you can’t know. And besides, half of them probably have better cars than me.”
US Capitol Tourist Seeks Bathroom, Grilled By Senate over Ethanol
Observers noted that after the first hour, it became increasingly clear that no one in the room was listening to anyone else.
C-store Sprawl Leads to Rumble in Lincoln
"...I knew I had found me. And honestly? It’s obscure and unreasonable enough to really piss off cis-hetero normies when I demand they not only use my pronouns but UNDERSTAND them.”
Weathering The Woke Storm: NOAA DEI Policies Under Fire
A White House spokesman responded sharply, “The director will probably be fired by Monday if he can’t do his job and return our tropical storm naming to its roots. WASPy storm names are our heritage, and liberals are trying to destroy that.”
Rehoboth Mole Whacker Takes Home Prize
Funland has not yet confirmed whether it will rename the booth in Enright’s honor, but insiders admit the idea has been discussed.
JOURNEY IN PHOTOS: Maryland Realtor Discovers African Ancestry, Starts Using N-word
After getting out of the hospital, Mr. Cobb promises to keep on fighting against oppression, not an easy task, he admits "when you look like the embodiment of 'The Man'."
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RECENT NEWS
Mike Johnson Sponsors Bill Making Epstein Island The 51st State
An official bird: The Atlantic Bubbablower, and a memorable State Motto: “Ssshhhhhh!”
Area Man DOESN’T Get Robbed in Baltimore — “It Was a Pleasant Change”
“Usually we can count on at least one guy yelling ‘Ayy yo lemme hold dat’ within 20 minutes of arrival.”
Lewes Man, Community Celebrate Rare Achievement: A Dental Appointment
Only Eight months Wait
Newark Teen Discovers Pop's Record Collection, shocked to find Music Can have Melody
Within minutes, Pop had dusted off the needle and lowered it onto a copy of Innervisions by Stevie Wonder.
The boys froze.
Stephen Miller Alleges Emancipation Proclamation Was Signed by Autopen, Calls Validity Into Question
“Illegally Freed Millions,” Says Stephen Miller, Citing Technical Error in 1863 Executive Action
DELDOT To Replace All Route 1 Traffic Lights With Roundabouts
Construction Is Set To Begin Memorial Day Weekend. Sussex County Council Spokesman Touts 'End Of Beach Congestion', 'Return Of Old-Timey Quality of Life' In Cape Region.
TODAY IN HISTORY
DELMARVA VOICES
Local Teen Cant Wait for Favorite Disney Star's Slutty Phase
“She’s just being herself,” the kid explained confidently. “It just happens to line up perfectly with a new album, tour, and rebrand rollout.”
Southern Delaware Gender Consultancy Opens First-if-its- kind Agency in Delaware
For an additional $49.99, clients can purchase the optional “Pronoun Starter Pack,” which includes: – A laminated wallet card explaining your new pronouns in six steps, A QR code linking to a 38-page PDF for anyone who asks follow-up
OCEAN CITY GOLF PRO READY FOR QUIET FACTORY RETIREMENT
Talbot, 67, says he’s been dreaming of a simpler life - one with punch clocks, name tags, and a supervisor named Ron.
Four Butchered In Gruesome Squabble Over Monopoly Dog Token
A Wicomico County Sheriff's spokesman confirmed that no Free Parking house rule was in play. Authorities report Wallace was, allegedly, a sore loser.
Local Vegan Does CrossFit (apparently Also Medal of Honor Winner, Astronaut, and Nobel Laureate)
Guests at The Blue Moon were treated to live jazz, a tasteful buffet, and an unexpected encounter with a man who made sure everyone knew he was both vegan and a CrossFitter.