Trump Accidentally Views Map, Realizes Greenland is Cold

By Drew  |  EIC, Contributor, Enigmatic Personality

WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump reportedly called an emergency meeting of top advisors this week after briefly seeing a map on Fox News and realizing that Greenland is spelled as one word — and, more troublingly, has almost nothing to do with golf. 

According to sources familiar with the meeting, Trump initially assumed Greenland was either “a very large course” or “several excellent courses connected by ice,” but became visibly upset upon learning the island contains only one nine-hole golf course, located near Nuuk — a fact he allegedly described as “borderline deceptive.”

“They’ve been talking about Greenland for years,” Trump reportedly said. “Turns out it’s mostly rocks, ice, and sadness. No resorts. No clubhouse. No carts. No girls bringing beer. Very unfair.”

Advisors attempted to salvage the pitch by pointing out Greenland’s vast reserves of rare earth minerals and natural resources, but Trump was unconvinced.

“What good are minerals,” he asked, “if you can’t play a round while talking business and feeling superior to the locals?”

Trump was said to grow increasingly frustrated as aides explained that the sun barely shines for months at a time and that Greenland lacks the basic infrastructure necessary for what he called “a respectable golf-based society.”

“There’s no 18 holes, no valet parking, no fancy pro shop,” Trump allegedly noted. “Where do the well-to-do gather? In parkas? It’s a disaster.”
By the end of the meeting, Trump reportedly concluded that Greenland was “a total waste of time,” adding that any future territorial interest would be contingent upon the immediate construction of a championship course, a luxury lodge, and “at least one attractive refreshment cart girl.”

As of press time, Trump advisors were debating who would tell the president that Singapore is not a Karaoke bar, Jordan is not a sneaker sweatshop, and the proper pronunciation of Niger.