NATIONHegseth to Personally Review Troops in Their Underwear to Make Sure It's "Not Too Gay"
Operation Skivvies is set to begin whenever the Secretary of War has spare time.
By Pentagon Correspondent Beverly Hill
LOCAL
Haunted Mansion Ghouls Protest Closure, Auction
Ghosts and skeletons file grievance with Haunters' Union local 1313 over dismissal; vow vengeful return to Funland.
By Drew | EIC, contributor, mysterious apparition|November 3, 2026 at 2:14 PM EST
NATION
SCIENCE & TECHJohns Hopkins Undergrad Constructs Needlessly Complicated Bong
"I mean, 3 layers, chambers... it had ice cubes, stolen beakers from the Chem lab, 4 feet of tubing, and an old Pepsi can. It was really impressive — but I wish he had just passed a joint."
By Baltimore Bureau Chief Li'l Ray-Ray
POLITICSRepublicans Push Anti-Communist Message, Perfect for 1958 Midterms
GOP strategists insist they will make America great again by fighting imaginary battles from 70 years ago.
By Foreign Desk Editor Reginald Pompsworth
LOCAL"Gotta Catch 'em All" maybe not such a priority in your Forties
Rehoboth Man Catches All the Pokemon, Finds Everyone Else Moved On Years Ago and Nobody Cares
By Staff Reporter Chip Sanderson
SPORTSAfter Huge, Last-second Loss, Coach Places Blame Squarely On God
"We always give him credit, but this time, he screwed us!."
By Sports Desk Editor Bud Waverly
ENTERTAINMENTEntertainment Editor Doesn't Have an Andy Dick Story, But Certain One Coming Soon
Stay tuned...
By Arts & Leisure Editor Donna Saltwater
INTERNATIONALG7 Leaders Issue Joint Statement Praising the Catering
After three days of summit negotiations, world leaders emerged unified only in their praise of the smoked salmon canapés and the 'really quite excellent' sparkling water.
By Foreign Desk Editor Reginald Pompsworth
ECONOMYCanadian Tariffs Hit America Where It Wipes
Red states expected to bear brunt of toilet paper shortage as experts cite unusually high concentration of politicians completely full of shit.
By Shore Bureau Chief Sandy Dunes
LOCALLocal Sheriff Praises Flock Cameras
Sheriff Barton calls mass surveillance technology the is "Bar none, the best tool we have in law enforcement for stalking our Exes."
By Darnell White | News Editor, contributor
Quick Bites
LOCAL
Exclusive Preview: Funland Unveils Fun, New Mitch McConnell-themed Game for Summer 2027
3 hours ago
Every Line Cook at Local Applebee's Actually An Aspiring Rapper, Producer
5 hours ago
Cheeky Sommelier Snickers to Self After Diners Accept Sub-optimal Bordeaux
7 hours ago
POLITICS
with Midterms Nearly Over, Americans Eager to Begin Receiving Fund Raising Emails for 2028 Election
1 hour ago
White House Trims President's Schedule as Official Duties Beginning to Cut Into Social Media Rant Time
4 hours ago
TSA Introduces Pre-Check Lane for People Who Have Their Shoes Off Before Being Asked
6 hours ago
SPORTS
NFL Cancels Pro Bowl For Good. Football Just Too Dangerous To Actual Play
2 hours ago
Local Tee-Ball Coach Resigns, Cites 'Irreconcilable Differences With the Snack Schedule'
4 hours ago
Delaware Blue Hens Fan Base Cautiously Optimistic, As Always, For No Reason
6 hours ago
ENTERTAINMENT
Street Price of Cocaine Jumps 14% on News Charlie Sheen Will Have Steady Income Again
1 hour ago
Local Theater Production of 'Hamlet' Updated to Include Crab Feast in Act III
3 hours ago
Boardwalk Caricature Artist Wins Award for 'Most Accurate Depiction of Existential Dread'
5 hours ago
National
Walmart Self-Checkout Now Asks Customers to Cover A Shift Before Leaving
This Day
The Great Nor' Easter of '26: Experts Recommend Being A Duck If You Can
This Day
2003: Boardwalk Taffy Achieves Sentience, Immediately Sticks to Bench
This Day
World
AI Systems Beginning to Independently Adopt Gender-Specific Behaviors
Today
Greenland Says "No" to US Advances, but Her Eyes Say "Yes"
Today
Area Man's Patience With the Self-Checkout Machine, 1997–2026
Today
From Our Columnists
All Blogs ›BLOG
Dear Karen
By Karen Snivens | Advice Columnist
This week: a wind chime dispute that has escalated to involve the HOA, two attorneys, and a strongly worded note left under a windshield wiper.
BLOG
Boardwalk Barker
By The Editorial Board
The Board endorses the candidate who arrived to the forum with printed notes and appeared to have slept the previous night.
BLOG
Letters to the Editor
By Ed. Phyllis Inkhorn
Readers weigh in on the seagull voting ban, fudge prices, and a parking meter one subscriber describes as 'personally vindictive.'