HEADLINES
Amid Complaints Over 100% Fee Hike, DE State Parks Director Stresses: "Its still free to exit!"
“Show me another place where you can spend an entire day outdoors for ten bucks,” said one visitor. “Plus apparently you can leave for free, which feels generous.”
Area MAGA Supporter Realizes Conspiracy Theory Cycle Has Moved On Without Him
Local rally attendee discovers Hunter Biden laptop no longer canon. Man arrived with fully prepared talking points from 2022 shocked To learn group has pivoted to new narrative.
Diddy Drops Diss Track Complaining He’s Not Getting Enough Credit for Alleged Party Crimes
"They A Lot Like Us" dropped unexpectedly on streaming services today. Cultural critics say the song ultimately raises an uncomfortable question: in an attention economy, is notoriety still valuable if someone else’s scandal trends higher?
Middle-Class Weirdos, Creeps Being Priced Out of the Market by Wealthy Elites; Tax Relief Sought
Sociologists warn the cultural consequences could be severe. Without a stable population of creepy oddballs and dangerous predators, neighborhoods risk becoming socially homogeneous. “That’s not a community, most Americans would recognize,” said one sociologist.
Dems Hold Emergency Strategy Session After Discovering Black People Have IDs, Same As Everyone Else
"Why do they think we don't have or can't figure out how to get an ID card from the DMV?" asked a cafeteria worker who was polled by Schiff's people. "Do they even know any black people?"
US Organ Donation Registry Will Now Require Loyalty Oath for Recipients
Medical experts have attempted to explain that transplant allocation is based on medical urgency, compatibility, and survival rates — not voting history — but those clarifications were quickly dismissed as “deep-state nephrology.”
IRS Announces Audit Risk Now “Highly Influenced” by Zodiac Sign
New “Astro-Compliance Initiative” aims to reduce paperwork by targeting Libras and Scorpios first...
MAGA's Compassion is For the Birds, Literally
MINNESOTA — The incident involved a single eagle, was immediately seized upon by right-wing media figures as definitive proof that wind turbines are “ugly,” “dangerous,” and “a threat to America itself.”
Kennedy Center Demands Puccini’s "Il Trittico" Be Performed Strictly in English
Kennedy Center Demands Puccini’s "Il Trittico" Be Performed Strictly in English
By Arnold Santos | Associate Editor Arts
WASHINGTON — The newly restructured, aggressively patriotic Kennedy Center board announced this week that all operas written in “foreign or confusing languages” will now be performed exclusively in English, beginning with Puccini’s Il Trittico this March.
DELMARVA VOICES
Man Tripping Balls at Phish Show Masterfully Conducts 20-Minute "Tweezer"
Witnesses say the man had ingested a heroic cocktail of mushrooms, a tab of blotter acid, and several pills that “looked homemade in the way a boat looks homemade.”
DE Snowboarder Has Olympic Dreams for 2030, but Can't Find a Hill To Practice
The local teen reportedly is considering relocating to Fenwick Island to take up Surfing.
Elkton Man Receives Nation's First-Ever Trickle-Down Check, Declares Capitalism “Officially Working”
Wilkins says he discovered the historic payment while checking his mailbox Tuesday morning, where he found a United States Treasury check for $0.08 — a moment he described as “the greatest day of my life, besides Reagan’s inauguration.”
Rehoboth Launches "VIP Luxury Parking Experience" for 2026 Season
REHOBOTH BEACH, DE — In what officials are calling “a much-needed upgrade to the coastal arrival ritual,” Rehoboth Beach this week unveiled its new Luxury Parking Experience, a premium parking option designed for visitors who don’t just want to park near the Boardwalk...
Local Man Totally Didn’t Notice Cute New Haircut, Won’t Be At Poker Night
“He guessed ‘new earrings,’” said one witness. “She doesn’t even have pierced ears.”
The consequences were swift...
"Territorial Pissings", Delmarva’s #2 Nirvana Cover Band, Swears Off Ever Playing Kennedy Center
The announcement came as a surprise to many, primarily because no one has ever asked Territorial Pissings to play the Kennedy Center, nor is there any record of the band being considered for such an invitation.
Local Teen Cant Wait for Favorite Disney Star's Slutty Phase
“She’s just being herself,” the kid explained confidently. “It just happens to line up perfectly with a new album, tour, and rebrand rollout.”
Southern Delaware Gender Consultancy Opens First-if-its- kind Agency in Delaware
For an additional $49.99, clients can purchase the optional “Pronoun Starter Pack,” which includes: – A laminated wallet card explaining your new pronouns in six steps, A QR code linking to a 38-page PDF for anyone who asks follow-up
RECENT NEWS
US Popcorn Farmers Enjoy Record Exports to Russia, China
According to industry sources, popcorn exports have exploded in recent months, with unusually large and recurring orders pouring in from Russia and China, leaving many U.S. farmers stunned—and oddly optimistic.
Senate Report: Boogeying at an All-time Low
In addition to boogeying, there has been a steep decline in booty shaking and getting funky, while chilling and posting up have increased slightly in recent decades.
Man Convinced Homeless Secretly Drive BMWs, Own Beach Houses
“I’m not heartless,” Mark clarified. “If I knew they were really homeless, that’d be different. But you can’t know. And besides, half of them probably have better cars than me.”
Trump Admonishes Advisors After Discovering “Green Land” Is Not a Golf Resort
WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump reportedly called an emergency meeting of top advisors this week after briefly seeing a map on Fox News and realizing that Greenland is spelled as one word — and, more troublingly, has almost nothing to do with golf...
US Capitol Tourist Seeks Bathroom, Grilled By Senate over Ethanol
Observers noted that after the first hour, it became increasingly clear that no one in the room was listening to anyone else.
Salisbury Family Gives All Their Awards To Trump
Local Kids Lavish Prizes On Trump to Secure Coveted Spot at Annual White House Easter Egg roll.
Lewes Man, Community Celebrate Rare Achievement: A Dental Appointment
Only Eight months Wait
TODAY IN HISTORY
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