BREAKING NEWS
HEADLINES
Stephen Miller Alleges Emancipation Proclamation Was Signed by Autopen, Calls Validity Into Question
“Illegally Freed Millions,” Says Stephen Miller, Citing Technical Error in 1863 Executive Action
Elkton Man Receives Nation's First-Ever Trickle-Down Check, Declares Capitalism “Officially Working”
Wilkins says he discovered the historic payment while checking his mailbox Tuesday morning, where he found a United States Treasury check for $0.08 — a moment he described as “the greatest day of my life, besides Reagan’s inauguration.”
US Popcorn Farmers Enjoy Record Exports to Russia, China
According to industry sources, popcorn exports have exploded in recent months, with unusually large and recurring orders pouring in from Russia and China, leaving many U.S. farmers stunned—and oddly optimistic.
Rehoboth Launches "VIP Luxury Parking Experience" for 2026 Season
REHOBOTH BEACH, DE — In what officials are calling “a much-needed upgrade to the coastal arrival ritual,” Rehoboth Beach this week unveiled its new Luxury Parking Experience, a premium parking option designed for visitors who don’t just want to park near the Boardwalk...
Kennedy Center Demands Puccini’s "Il Trittico" Be Performed Strictly in English
By Arnold Santos | Associate Editor Arts
WASHINGTON — The newly restructured, aggressively patriotic Kennedy Center board announced this week that all operas written in “foreign or confusing languages” will now be performed exclusively in English, beginning with Puccini’s Il Trittico this March.
At 88, Maxine Waters Will Run for 19th Term, Says ‘Finally In The Sweet Spot’ To Get Things Done
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Rep. Maxine Waters announced this week that she will seek re-election in 2026, running for what would be her 19th term in Congress, a milestone that experts say officially qualifies as “less of a political career” and more of “a federally-funded lifestyle subscription.”
Salisbury Family Gives All Their Awards To Trump
Local Kids Lavish Prizes On Trump to Secure Coveted Spot at Annual White House Easter Egg roll.
Senate Report: Boogeying at an All-time Low
In addition to boogeying, there has been a steep decline in booty shaking and getting funky, while chilling and posting up have increased slightly in recent decades.
RECENT NEWS
Weathering The Woke Storm: NOAA DEI Policies Under Fire
A White House spokesman responded sharply, “The director will probably be fired by Monday if he can’t do his job and return our tropical storm naming to its roots. WASPy storm names are our heritage, and liberals are trying to destroy that.”
Man Convinced Homeless Secretly Drive BMWs, Own Beach Houses
“I’m not heartless,” Mark clarified. “If I knew they were really homeless, that’d be different. But you can’t know. And besides, half of them probably have better cars than me.”
Trump Admonishes Advisors After Discovering “Green Land” Is Not a Golf Resort
WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump reportedly called an emergency meeting of top advisors this week after briefly seeing a map on Fox News and realizing that Greenland is spelled as one word — and, more troublingly, has almost nothing to do with golf...
US Capitol Tourist Seeks Bathroom, Grilled By Senate over Ethanol
Observers noted that after the first hour, it became increasingly clear that no one in the room was listening to anyone else.
Immigrant Pet Eating Crime down 100% in 2025
According to local authorities, the dramatic drop comes after years of unchecked pet consumption allegedly flourished under the Biden administration, when “soft leadership” allowed immigrants to freely roam suburban...
Trump Signs Executive Order To Replace Delaware With Greenland
In Rehoboth Beach, former President Joe Biden was seen outside TICS Ice Cream Shop, apparently unfazed by the developments.
Lewes Man, Community Celebrate Rare Achievement: A Dental Appointment
Only Eight months Wait
Mike Johnson Sponsors Bill Making Epstein Island The 51st State
An official bird: The Atlantic Bubbablower, and a memorable State Motto: “Ssshhhhhh!”
Area Man DOESN’T Get Robbed in Baltimore — “It Was a Pleasant Change”
“Usually we can count on at least one guy yelling ‘Ayy yo lemme hold dat’ within 20 minutes of arrival.”
TODAY IN HISTORY
DELMARVA VOICES
Local Man Totally Didn’t Notice Cute New Haircut, Won’t Be At Poker Night
“He guessed ‘new earrings,’” said one witness. “She doesn’t even have pierced ears.”
The consequences were swift...
"Territorial Pissings", Delmarva’s #2 Nirvana Cover Band, Swears Off Ever Playing Kennedy Center
The announcement came as a surprise to many, primarily because no one has ever asked Territorial Pissings to play the Kennedy Center, nor is there any record of the band being considered for such an invitation.
Rehoboth Mole Whacker Takes Home Prize
Funland has not yet confirmed whether it will rename the booth in Enright’s honor, but insiders admit the idea has been discussed.
Local Teen Cant Wait for Favorite Disney Star's Slutty Phase
“She’s just being herself,” the kid explained confidently. “It just happens to line up perfectly with a new album, tour, and rebrand rollout.”
Southern Delaware Gender Consultancy Opens First-if-its- kind Agency in Delaware
For an additional $49.99, clients can purchase the optional “Pronoun Starter Pack,” which includes: – A laminated wallet card explaining your new pronouns in six steps, A QR code linking to a 38-page PDF for anyone who asks follow-up
OCEAN CITY GOLF PRO READY FOR QUIET FACTORY RETIREMENT
Talbot, 67, says he’s been dreaming of a simpler life - one with punch clocks, name tags, and a supervisor named Ron.
Four Butchered In Gruesome Squabble Over Monopoly Dog Token
A Wicomico County Sheriff's spokesman confirmed that no Free Parking house rule was in play. Authorities report Wallace was, allegedly, a sore loser.
C-store Sprawl Leads to Rumble in Lincoln
Have you opened a new location, redesigned your shop, or added a new product or service? Don't keep it to yourself, let folks know.
MELANIA MANIA
MELANIA MANIA SWEEPS NATION
“People have been waiting for this for decades,” said one attendee in line. “Even before they knew who she was, they knew they needed this.”... (continue reading)
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