OCEAN CITY MAN MAULED IN MASCOT MAYHEM

By Pepe Bastogne  |  Boardwalk Reporter

OCEAN CITY, MD — What was intended to be a lighthearted promotional event for the newly opened Splashers Fries ended in tragedy Friday after dozens of seagulls mistook a costumed employee for an actual order of boardwalk fries.

Witnesses reported that the attack began approximately three seconds after the mascot stepped onto the boardwalk.  "Honestly, three seconds is longer than I expected," said local resident Carl Henderson. "Usually they at least circle once before committing."

According to eyewitnesses, the employee had been instructed to walk the boardwalk waving at tourists while dressed as an oversized container of fries. The costume, described by one witness as "unnecessarily realistic," apparently triggered an immediate feeding response among local seagulls.

Emergency responders knew something was wrong when they received more than 40 separate 911 calls reporting "a french fry being murdered."

"At first we thought it was a prank," said one dispatcher. "Then the calls just kept coming."

Officials later confirmed that the victim's remains were identified after investigators discovered a name tag, a shoe, and approximately fourteen dollars in unredeemed employee meal vouchers.

First responders initially believed the victim was covered in ketchup. The situation became considerably more serious when they remembered that boardwalk fries are traditionally served with vinegar.
"That's when we knew we had a fatality," one responder said.

The seagulls involved have not been charged.

Authorities cited a long-standing Ocean City policy recognizing that seagulls are incapable of feeling remorse and cannot be reasoned with under any circumstances.

Marketing director Chad Simmons defended the campaign, noting that customer awareness of the Splashers brand had increased by nearly 400 percent before adding, "Technically, this was our most successful event."

In a statement released Wednesday, Splashers Fries announced the promotion would continue as planned but that future mascots would be dressed as coleslaw.