BREAKING NEWS

By Meg Dawes  |  Associate Editor, Sports Contributor

Sugar Land, TX (October 26, 2025) — Former NFL running back and self-described “still got it” enthusiast Adrian Peterson was arrested late Saturday night in Sugar Land, Texas, on charges of driving while intoxicated and unlawfully carrying a weapon.

Authorities say Peterson was pulled over for erratic driving, which police determined was not part of any charity obstacle course or comeback attempt. This marks Peterson’s second DWI arrest in six months, which, according to experts, officially qualifies as a pattern in most states and a tradition in Texas.

When reached for comment, a spokesman for Peterson’s PR team tried to downplay the event, saying,

> “We’re honestly surprised this even made news. Statistically speaking, this is only his fifth-worst incident.”

The spokesman did not clarify what the top four were but assured reporters, “They were much worse.”

Peterson, known for his powerful running style and slightly less celebrated parenting style, was released on bond early Sunday. His agent declined to comment, citing “legal reasons” and “brunch.”

Fans on social media have expressed mixed reactions — ranging from “Damn, again?” to “Wait, which Adrian Peterson?” to “I thought he was already in jail for the last thing.”

Peterson’s lawyer has reportedly advised him to take a break from driving, drinking, and, ideally, Texas. Many Washington fans forgot he even played there until now, so the DMV may not be his best option.

A spokesperson for Peterson's camp who asked for anonymity said, "My brother may have done that shit."

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BoardWalk Barker is a satirical publication. The stories and quotes herein are works of humor and parody.

By Drew  |  Managing Editor, Contributor, Glowing Orb

Sacramento, CA -- California Governor Gavin Newsom formally announced his candidacy for President this morning, instantly captivating a weary nation with his radiant smile, cinematic jawline, and hair so glossy it briefly reflected the American flag. Speaking from a podium that seemed specifically lit to flatter him, Newsom declared, “It’s time to move America forward.” Analysts later confirmed they have no idea what that means, but admitted they’d follow him anywhere.

A Platform Built on Pure Handsomeness

While other candidates are busy talking about the economy, healthcare, or democracy itself, Newsom’s campaign is staying focused on the essentials — his gleaming teeth and the subtle power of a well-fitted navy suit. His team has reportedly abandoned traditional polling in favor of “mirror time,” during which staffers assess the emotional resonance of his reflection.

On the Economy

With inflation still squeezing American families, Newsom has pledged to address the issue through “strong leadership and stronger cheekbones.” Economists say it’s unclear what that means, but agree the structural symmetry of his face could calm the markets. One analyst described him as “a stabilizing influence — like Jerome Powell in a cologne ad.”

On Foreign Policy

According to insiders, the Governor’s grin has already improved relations with France, where President Macron privately called it “the most diplomatic thing I’ve seen since Versailles.” Chinese officials were less impressed, but only because they were “unprepared for that much California in one man.”

On Climate Change

While Newsom has yet to unveil a comprehensive climate plan, aides confirm that his hair products are entirely biodegradable and cruelty-free. During a press conference, a reporter asked how he plans to handle rising sea levels. He responded by adjusting his cufflinks and looking into the distance. The ocean levels reportedly dropped two inches in admiration.

On Immigration

Critics pressed the Governor for details about border policy, but were immediately distracted when a light breeze tousled his hair in what one witness described as “a Kennedy callback.” One border agent fainted. The footage is now being used in campaign ads titled “Hope: Reimagined.”

The Hair Factor

Sources close to the campaign say Newsom’s hair — which has its own verified Instagram account and publicist — has not yet committed to running. “The Governor and the Hair share a common vision,” one aide said, “but creative differences remain.” Polls show the Hair currently holds a higher favorability rating than either major party.

The Big Picture

Governor Newsom’s opponents warn that his campaign is all style and no substance. His supporters say that’s the whole point. “We’ve tried ugly presidents,” said one California voter. “It’s time we gave America someone it can actually believe in — or at least thirst over.”

Asked for closing remarks, Newsom smiled faintly, his eyes glinting like the promise of a well-funded PAC. “America deserves a leader who can look in the mirror,” he said. The mirror, sources confirm, completely agreed.