BREAKING NEWS

By Darnell Browne  |  Senior Political Correspondent

PEORIA, IL - With the prospect of U.S. military action in Venezuela drawing closer, right-wing comment sections across Fox News, Facebook, and various meme pages are reportedly struggling to agree on a preferred racist slur for Venezuelans, leaving many commenters unusually divided and disorganized.

According to media analysts, the normally efficient outrage ecosystem has so far failed to coalesce around a single insult, resulting in comment threads filled with trial balloons, recycled language from other conflicts, and lengthy arguments over which term would be “strong enough” to stick.

“It’s honestly kind of embarrassing,” wrote one commenter beneath a Fox News article. “We’re arguing semantics while the liberals are already winning the narrative.”

Screenshots show users proposing options, rejecting them as “too woke,” “not dehumanizing enough,” or “already overused,” while others accuse fellow commenters of lacking commitment to the cause.

“This is why nothing gets done anymore,” another commenter complained. “Back in the day, we picked a name and moved on.”

Experts note that once a term is agreed upon, it is expected to spread rapidly across platforms, memes, and cable news chyrons, restoring a familiar rhythm to online discourse and allowing commenters to refocus on flag emojis, vague threats, and calls for decisive action.

At press time, several threads appeared close to consensus before devolving into arguments about whether the insult should sound funny, threatening, or “historically accurate.”

Observers say it’s only a matter of time before the process resolves itself.

After all, once the bombs start falling, the language usually sorts itself out.

By Cletus Obvious  |  Correspondent, Rural Affairs

SIBLEY, IA — At approximately 11:37 p.m. Monday, longtime corn-and-soy farmer Eldon D. Haskett was seen idling his 1992 Ford F-150 down County Route 3 with his head fully extended out the driver’s window, scanning the night sky for incoming extraterrestrial extraction.

Haskett, who has not turned a profit since “Trump Trade War ‘17, Round 1,” told Barker News he is “just hoping a saucer swings low and beams me into gainful employment or oblivion — whichever’s quicker.”

Local residents insist this is no isolated event. Sheriff Dwayne Mott says calls have increased nearly 240% since tariffs rattled soybean futures, with reports of farmers driving slowly through cornfields yelling, “Take me, Zargonians, I’m ready!”, setting out lawn chairs pointed directly at Orion’s Belt, and leaving “abduction snacks” (mostly Slim Jims and Busch Light) in tidy arrangements on silos.

One farmer, Dale Brixby, 57, spent yet another Tuesday evening cruising gravel roads at 14 mph, one elbow out the window, eyes fixed on a dim light that might be a UFO or might just be the Casey’s General Store sign glitching again.

Brixby reports that after two years of plummeting soybean futures, collapsing pork demand, and enough bureaucratic paperwork to choke a combine, alien abduction “no longer feels like an intrusion, but a courtesy.”

Economists theorize the phenomenon is simply a coping mechanism. Farmers, however, disagree.

“If I disappear into a galactic tractor beam, that’s one less man who has to explain to the bank why his equipment loan now has a larger body count than a Quentin Tarantino film,” said Haskett, calmly adjusting his flashlight to “UFO glow.”

When asked what he’d do if aliens finally arrived, Haskett responded, “I’d ask if they need a farmhand up there. And whether they’ve got healthcare. And ethanol subsidies.”

As of press time, no confirmed alien craft has visited Osceola County, though one blinking aircraft was spotted over the Haskett property at 12:14 a.m.

It was later identified as a medevac helicopter returning from Sioux City

DAVENPORT, IA — Local low-information voter, Alexis Hewlard, has informed BwB News that she is finally ready to make a personal endorsement in the 2020 General Election...

After “a lot of deliberate thought” and “doing her research,” which consisted primarily of skimming comments on Facebook memes, Hewlard announced that she ultimately based her decision on which candidate “has the best vibes.” Hewlard emphasized that vibes are “more important than policy,” noting that “policy always changes but vibes are forever.”

She further stated that she did watch real political coverage — specifically a six-minute YouTube compilation titled ‘Biden vs Trump: WHO’S FUNNIER???’, which she considered “pretty informative.”

Hewlard’s final endorsement?

“Look, at the end of the day, I just felt like Trump… I don’t know… looked more confident in the pictures I saw. It just felt right,” she said, adding thoughtfully, “Plus, I liked his tie.”

Asked if she could name a single specific policy position, Hewlard paused, then responded:
“Taxes? Or, like, the economy? Something in that area, I think? I remember Trump saying something strong-sounding once.”

Political analysts note that Hewlard is part of a crucial demographic: Americans who vote based purely on intuition, aesthetics, and emotional weather patterns. This group regularly swings elections — and occasionally sits them out to binge the entire "Tiger King" series on Netflix instead.

By Octavia Byline  |  BwB News Beat Reporter

OCEAN CITY, MD — After 43 years of grueling mornings on the pristine greens of Ocean Bay Dunes Golf Club, beloved local golf pro Curtis “Chip” Talbot is officially retiring — and eagerly transitioning to the calming monotony of industrial labor.

Talbot, 67, says he’s been dreaming of a simpler life - one with punch clocks, name tags, and a supervisor named Ron.

“The stress of waking up, watching the sunrise over the bay, sipping complimentary coffee and working with cheerful retirees… it breaks you down,” Talbot said. “I just want a break from all the joy and fresh air.”

Talbot says one of the biggest emotional hurdles has been preparing to sell his deeply burdensome five-bedroom, three-bath waterfront home with two-car garage and private dock on Assawoman Bay.

“It’s too comfortable,” he said. “You lose touch with reality waking up to that view every morning. It’s not healthy.”

He and his wife, Myrtle, have been looking at a modest second-floor garden apartment in Scranton featuring a partially working elevator, windows that rattle when the wind blows, a charming lack of insulation, and an authentic industrial-town smell.

“We need something grounding,” Myrtle said. “Something that lets us feel the seasons inside the house.”
Chip nodded, “And the rent includes water—that’s the dream.”

Talbot says he looks forward to wearing work boots instead of soft-soled golf shoes, hearing machine pistons instead of seagulls,  and drinking vending-machine coffee instead of “that pretentious artisanal brew they serve at the clubhouse.  What a dream to be grumbling with coworkers about overtime instead of discussing 9-irons and wind direction."

Talbot begins his formal retraining next month, where he’ll learn essential new skills like:
• Standing in one spot for 6 hours
• Repetitive motion fatigue
• How to argue with middle-management
• Clock-out-by-the-decimal precision
• Eyeing retirement for real this time around age 88
“It’s just exciting to finally have someone yelling at me instead of for me,” Talbot said. “I crave workplace hierarchy. I want to feel the thrill of a foreman’s disappointment.”

Club regulars say Talbot will be missed.

“Chip brought joy, wisdom, humor, and patience to every lesson,” said longtime member Frank DeMarino. “But if he wants to abandon an oceanfront golf paradise to manually stack pallets in Scranton… I respect that.”

For his part, Talbot says he may still pick up a club once every five to seven years, depending on factors such as
how his back feels, whether he still has any fingers, or if he’s not too exhausted from his shift.

“I’ve had too much sunshine in my life,” he said. “I’m ready for fluorescent. “I just want to blend in with a hardhat and name tag that says ‘Chip T.’ No more country-club small talk. Just the sweet hum of industrial machinery.”

The American dream.

By Drew  |  EIC, Trouble Maker, Novice Juggler

WILMINGTON, DE - Delaware's legendary Bootstrap Factory — the historic cornerstone of the state's “just try harder” economy — has officially shuttered operations after 84 tireless years of manufacturing the nation’s most trusted tools for personal moral uplift and the glorification of capitalism.

Company spokesman Grant Fairweather III — heir to the Fairweather Maritime Fortune and noted polo enthusiast — expressed sorrow at the closing, “The tariffs on raw bootstrap ore from Argentina have crushed us. We simply can’t afford to extract bootstrap minerals, refine them, braid them, and package them with inspirational slogans anymore. America just doesn’t appreciate artisanal self-sufficiency like it used to.”

For decades, the factory thrived under the ownership of DuPont affiliates, venture capital firms, and three separate private equity groups who each insisted they were “saving American manufacturing” while quietly routing profits through Delaware’s corporate registry vortex, where tax liability goes to die.

But the real problem, Fairweather insists, is cultural, “We’ve spent years making bootstraps strong enough that even poors and working singles could hypothetically yank themselves skyward.

Unfortunately, since nobody wants to work anymore, nobody’s buying them. If people won’t help themselves, how can we help them help themselves?”

With production halted, the company will now move its machinery to a cheaper facility in Mexico, where workers are reportedly eager to pull themselves up by bootstraps — mostly because they live in a system where bootstraps actually lead to measurable improvement.

Local officials in Wilmington expressed mixed feelings, “We’re sad to lose these jobs,” said one council member, “but realistically, most of them paid so little that employees couldn’t afford shoes, much less boots.”

Some longtime employees gathered outside the locked gates, staring at the empty facility and the dangling CLOSED FOREVER sign.

Many reportedly whispered the same thing:

 “I pulled and pulled… and all I got was a hernia., some back pain and those irritating motivational posters all over the break room.”

Meanwhile, DuPont — which allegedly owned 12% of the corporation through four shell companies and a smiling lawyer in a very nice suit — issued a statement reading simply:

“The free market has spoken.”

By Johanna Perkins  |  Science Reporter

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL — In what company officials described as “a minor calibration issue with major celestial consequences,” SpaceX confirmed to BwB News on Tuesday that its latest rocket test inadvertently destroyed the Moon.

The incident occurred during a scheduled systems trial of the company’s new Lunar Express Heavy Booster, designed to support upcoming missions for NASA’s Artemis program. Instead, telemetry showed the rocket performed “slightly above expectations” and impacted the Moon at several thousand miles per second.

“We typically blow a few things up during testing,” said a SpaceX spokesperson. “Usually satellites, sometimes prototypes. It was only when an intern asked, ‘Which one’s the Moon again?’ that we realized we’d overshot.”

NASA scientists have yet to release an official statement, citing “ongoing efforts to confirm whether the Moon is, in fact, missing.” Amateur astronomers on social media, however, began reporting “a concerning amount of nothingness” shortly after the test window.

When pressed about the implications for future lunar missions, SpaceX offered reassurance.

“We blow shit up until things fly,” the spokesperson added. “The Moon was just another test article. Tell NASA we’ll replace it next fiscal quarter.”

Company engineers say they expect minimal public panic, noting that the incident coincides with a new moon phase.

“So far, nobody’s noticed,” said project manager, Lori Jones, on condition of anonymity,. “That gives us, what, two days before we’re in deep shit?”

Early estimates suggest rebuilding the Moon could cost anywhere from $40 trillion to “whatever we can get by taxing the poor", said Elon Musk who later tweeted: "Oops, our bad."

Despite the mishap, SpaceX stock rose 3 percent in after-hours trading. Analysts cited “investor confidence in the company’s ability to make even total catastrophe sound like innovation.”

By Dawn Szkwizda-Charmin  |  Political Correspondent

ONANCOCK, VA — Local resident Greg Hamlin admitted Monday that news of former Vice President Dick Cheney’s death “rekindled a deep hatred and an ugly disgust” he hadn’t felt in years.

“I honestly forgot that evil bastard was still alive,” said Hamlin, who described the experience of hearing the obituary on the radio as “like bumping into an old enemy at Royal Farms.” 

"I've been so wrapped up in my burning hatred for Trump and this current crop of Republicans, I had forgotten just how shitty of a person and an American Dick Cheney was."

Though unable to recall the exact details of why he hates Cheney, or any of Cheney’s specific misdeeds, because its been awhile, Hamlin said he “knew enough to be happy the fucker's dead,” adding that the man’s passing provided “a weird sense of pleasure.”

"When they reminded me about the old piece of shit's existence, I just instinctively knew the world was a better place without him."

Hamlin went on to reflect that Cheney’s death gave him hope - it reminded him America has been run by corrupt, evil, greedy, short-sighted, petty, blood-thirsty, soulless, power-drunk war profiteers and  tyrants for decades. "When you reflect on what a massive turd Dick Cheney was, it kind of puts things in perspective with this current crop of dirt bags. I mean, America just keeps chugging along no matter which worthless prick is in power, so maybe we will be alright after all."

“It’s like, wow, we’ve had decades of total garbage leadership and we’re still standing,” he said. “That’s actually kind of inspiring, in a really depressing way.”

At press time, Hamlin was reportedly finally getting his latent rage under control until his wife, Jess, casually mentioned that John Ashcroft is still around.

By Drew  |  Managing Editor, Contributor, Glowing Orb

Sacramento, CA -- California Governor Gavin Newsom formally announced his candidacy for President this morning, instantly captivating a weary nation with his radiant smile, cinematic jawline, and hair so glossy it briefly reflected the American flag. Speaking from a podium that seemed specifically lit to flatter him, Newsom declared, “It’s time to move America forward.” Analysts later confirmed they have no idea what that means, but admitted they’d follow him anywhere.

A Platform Built on Pure Handsomeness

While other candidates are busy talking about the economy, healthcare, or democracy itself, Newsom’s campaign is staying focused on the essentials — his gleaming teeth and the subtle power of a well-fitted navy suit. His team has reportedly abandoned traditional polling in favor of “mirror time,” during which staffers assess the emotional resonance of his reflection.

On the Economy

With inflation still squeezing American families, Newsom has pledged to address the issue through “strong leadership and stronger cheekbones.” Economists say it’s unclear what that means, but agree the structural symmetry of his face could calm the markets. One analyst described him as “a stabilizing influence — like Jerome Powell in a cologne ad.”

On Foreign Policy

According to insiders, the Governor’s grin has already improved relations with France, where President Macron privately called it “the most diplomatic thing I’ve seen since Versailles.” Chinese officials were less impressed, but only because they were “unprepared for that much California in one man.”

On Climate Change

While Newsom has yet to unveil a comprehensive climate plan, aides confirm that his hair products are entirely biodegradable and cruelty-free. During a press conference, a reporter asked how he plans to handle rising sea levels. He responded by adjusting his cufflinks and looking into the distance. The ocean levels reportedly dropped two inches in admiration.

On Immigration

Critics pressed the Governor for details about border policy, but were immediately distracted when a light breeze tousled his hair in what one witness described as “a Kennedy callback.” One border agent fainted. The footage is now being used in campaign ads titled “Hope: Reimagined.”

The Hair Factor

Sources close to the campaign say Newsom’s hair — which has its own verified Instagram account and publicist — has not yet committed to running. “The Governor and the Hair share a common vision,” one aide said, “but creative differences remain.” Polls show the Hair currently holds a higher favorability rating than either major party.

The Big Picture

Governor Newsom’s opponents warn that his campaign is all style and no substance. His supporters say that’s the whole point. “We’ve tried ugly presidents,” said one California voter. “It’s time we gave America someone it can actually believe in — or at least thirst over.”

Asked for closing remarks, Newsom smiled faintly, his eyes glinting like the promise of a well-funded PAC. “America deserves a leader who can look in the mirror,” he said. The mirror, sources confirm, completely agreed.

By Drew  |  EIC, Contributor, Scary Apparition

DOVER. DE — As the federal shutdown continues into its third week, officials have unveiled a temporary measure aimed at “keeping spirits high and blood sugar stable” across Delaware: encouraging households to be more generous with Halloween candy.

A Department of Health and Social Services spokesperson said the Meyer administration is “confident that if everyone gives each trick-or-treater two or three extra fun-size Snickers, we can bridge the nutrition gap until Congress remembers how to govern.”

"I mean almost every kid with a bag will be able to collect enough food to last for a few weeks," said Christen Linke Young of the DHSS.

The plan has received bipartisan support so far,  as state GOP leaders argue that it provides “both short-term caloric relief and long-term energy crashes that may discourage further protests.”

Economists project the plan could save millions in short-term spending while boosting sales for Big Candy, which immediately pledged support for the measure and dispatched lobbyists to Annapolis, Harrisburg, and Richmond to whip up support for similar measures in neighboring states.

A source inside the Democrat caucus added that the administration is “monitoring the situation closely and may extend the initiative into Thanksgiving if turkeys prove too expensive this year.”

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Boardwalk Barker is a satirical publication. The stories and quotes herein are works of humor and parody.

Slaughter Beach, DE - I ain’t sayin’, I’m just sayin’.

Name’s Mikey “Fat Albert” Mangiano, your regular guy’s astrophysicist — the only reporter on the coast who takes complicated space stuff and breaks it down so youse can understand that jawn without a PhD or a telescope subscription.

So apparently, the sky people spotted somethin’ called 3-I slash ATLAS. Third “interstellar object,” which means it ain’t from around here — like an out-of-state plate flyin’ through the turnpike. They say it’s haulin’ through space at about 130 thousand miles an hour. Buddy, that’s faster than my cousin Tony on the Schuylkill when the Birds are playin’.

Anyway, NASA swears it’s just a comet — real chill, totally natural, definitely not spyin’ on us. Yeah, okay. And the IRS just wants to “chat.” They claim it’s made of nickel, carbon dioxide, and cyanide. Cyanide, pal. That ain’t “space dust.” That’s malice.

Now the eggheads over at Hubble and Webb — sounds like a law firm that sues seagulls — say this rock’s about three miles wide. Three miles! That’s half the freakin’ boardwalk. It’s got what they call a “coma,” which I guess means it’s leakin’ gas all over creation. If somethin’ that big’s passin’ gas in our direction, I’m movin’ inland to Millsboro.

Then you got that Harvard guy, Avi Loeb, sayin’ maybe it’s alien tech. At first I thought he was a nut job. Now I’m thinkin’ he’s the only one payin’ attention. I mean, you don’t gotta be Einstein — or even that kid from Good Will Hunting — to figure maybe we’re bein’ scoped out.

Of course NASA says, “We’re in no danger.” Yeah, right. That’s what they said about the hornets, the ozone, and Zuckerberg. They say it’ll stay “hundreds of millions of miles away.” Pal, that’s what I said about my ex, and she still showed up.

So what’s the takeaway? Youse got a three-mile-wide, cyanide-soaked iron potato blastin’ through the neighborhood at Mach God-Knows-What, and the experts are like, “No worries.” Forget it. I’m loadin’ up the trunk with Chef Boy-Ar-Dee and Poland Spring. Laugh now, but when 3-I ATLAS turns around for another pass, remember who tried to warn ya.

Mikey “Fat Albert” Mangiano — for Boardwalk Barker, the only news smart enough to panic early.

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