MAGA Christian Patriots Dont Want Evil Liberals to Live

By Drew  |  EIC, Organ Donor

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a bold effort to ensure that vital organs are not accidentally placed inside people with “the wrong values,” HHS Secretary, RFK Jr., announced Thursday that the U.S. Organ Donation Registry will now require transplant recipients to sign a loyalty oath affirming they voted for Trump, “love America, freedom, and Kid Rock.”

The change follows a wave of social media outrage after several self-described Christian “MAGA patriots” discovered that once they donate a kidney, they no longer get to choose whether it powers a conservative talk-radio listener or someone who once tweeted “healthcare should be affordable.”

“That’s my kidney,” said one Maryland man, George Hill,  whose grandfather was recently buried in his MAGA hat and an American flag tie. “He raised that kidney right. We didn’t sacrifice it so some soy-latte-drinking Democrat could filter oat milk through it.”

According to viral posts circulating on right-wing forums, patriotic organs have allegedly been transplanted into individuals who:

Failed to stand during at least one national anthem, Used the phrase “climate change is real,” Or once clapped when someone said “maybe student loans are too high.”

Medical experts have attempted to explain that transplant allocation is based on medical urgency, compatibility, and survival rates — not voting history — but those clarifications were quickly dismissed by RFK and Dr. Oz as “deep-state nephrology.”

One transplant recipient confirmed she had no idea her new kidney had previously been registered as a Republican.  “I don’t know what party it belonged to,” she said. “It seems bipartisan so far.”

In response to mounting pressure, lawmakers are reportedly considering adding a new section to donor forms allowing individuals to specify whether their organs may: 

☐ Cross party lines

☐ Be used by someone who owns reusable grocery bags  

☐ Power a hybrid vehicle

Meanwhile, transplant surgeons across the country are bracing for an influx of amended registrations reading simply: “Organs for Patriots Only.”

When pressed on whether this stance was in line with his Christian faith, Hill insisted “Scripture clearly states we are not to give what is holy to dogs,” Matthew 7:6.

“The Bible says you reap what you sow,” said another commenter. “If you sow liberalism, you reap dialysis.”

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Boardwalk Barker is a satirical publication. The stories and quotes herein are works of humor and parody.