Nobody Wants To Work Anymore
“It’s a great place to work if you don’t have rent or a body that ages or a future.”
By Chase Buckram | BwB Business Reporter
Ocean City, MD — Local business owner and self-described “job creator” Scott Stallings expressed frustration Wednesday that “nobody wants to work anymore,” despite offering what he believes is “a golden career jumpstart.”
Stallings — CEO of Stallings Branding & Solutions (a three-room office above a vape shop) — is baffled that the position of Customer Brand Engagement Associate remains unfilled.
“The hourly rate of $8 is very competitive,” Stallings said, confidently. “Plus, I give them flexibility — they can work literally any hours I assign, and I often post the schedule as early as 11:30 PM on Sunday nights. That’s plenty of time to plan a week around.”
Stallings also touted fringe benefits such as:
• exposure to real corporate culture
• occasional leftover bagels from client meetings
• permission to use the office refrigerator (except top shelf)
• access to “free career advice” from him
• “almost no dress code enforcement on Fridays”
“If someone puts in a couple of decades with me,” he added proudly, “they could work their way up to $10, maybe $10.50 an hour. The sky is the limit for self-starters.”
When asked whether healthcare benefits were included, Stallings clarified the company’s official position:
> “We strongly encourage employees to maintain excellent personal health so that insurance isn’t necessary.”
Current employee Jeremy Frisch, age 23 if Ocean View, speaking on condition of anonymity said:
> “It’s a great place to work if you don’t have rent or a body that ages or a digestive system or a future.”
Frisch went on to describe Stallings’ leadership style as “motivational, in the way Dickensian factories were motivational.”
The company reportedly cut another employee’s hours in half after she called out sick once, citing “lack of commitment and suspicious coughing.” Employees are also expected to come in on Thanksgiving “if needed,” though no one has been told yet whether they are needed.
Stallings summarized his philosophy confidently:
> “People today just don’t want to grind. I can’t make them ambitious. I’m offering opportunity, not charity. You don’t see me sitting at home complaining.”
It should be noted that Stallings lives in a fully owned coastal home purchased by his father.
Stallings says he will continue interviewing candidates until he finds “someone who truly wants it — someone who sees $8/hr not as pay, but as a mindset.”
When asked whether he ever considered raising the wage, Mallings paused, squinted, then laughed so hard he had to lean against his desk to breathe.
