Genius pardon Leads to Child Molester conviction

By Pedro Gonzales  |  Chief Legal Correspondant

Pardoned January 6 rioter, Andrew Paul Johnson, was sentenced to life today for his sexual assault crimes against minors.

Political commentators across several networks assured confused Americans this week that what appeared to be yet another political embarrassment was actually evidence of former President Donald Trump executing a long-term strategic plan so sophisticated that ordinary voters simply lack the mental capacity to understand it.

Supporters assure confused public that outcomes which appear disastrous are actually part of a master plan while critics simply lack IQ required to understand 7-dimensional chess.
Analysts confirm strategy may not become obvious for several decades.

Attorney General Pam Bondi explained to reporters at the White House today, that if the "President had not pardoned Johnson, he would have only served a few years in prison. I mean, this is a bad guy!  But because President Trump saw that flaw in the system, he geniously pardoned Johnson, allowing him to go free and rape some children, eventually receiving a life sentence for his sex crimes.  You should all be praising the President for his visionary action."

“This is what we call delayed strategic brilliance,” explained WH Press Secretary, Karoline Leavitt  who admitted he had only recently begun pushing this narrative after running out of normal explanations. “Many of history’s greatest plans looked terrible for years before suddenly making sense. Sometimes decades.”

Experts confirmed the strategy should become fully obvious once everyone stops judging it by what actually happened.

When pressed about the logic behind Trump allowing a sexual predator free to rape children just so he can later claim credit for his arrest, Leavitt said the reporter was "terrible", balked at the "audacity of the question", and went on for 2 minutes about the NASDAQ and Hunter Biden.

When asked whether we can expect to see more Jan 6 rioters convicted of new crimes, Leavitt was quick to clarify that nobody has access to Trump's genius, "and he won't tell us. He always tells us afterwards though, when he had something figured out a long time ago. He's never wrong, you know."

As of press time, there were at least 32 additional pardoned Jan 6ers facing new charges. Trump's brilliance will be on full display in court rooms all over the country.