Dave, You're Fired!

By Darnell Stewart  |  Business Correspondent

REHOBOTH BEACH — In what industry analysts are calling “a bold and extremely desperate marketing pivot,” fast-food chain Wendy’s announced Friday that it will temporarily rename its signature Dave’s Double hamburger the “Donald’s Double” in hopes of securing lucrative White House catering contracts.

According to company insiders, the change is part of a broader effort to challenge McDonald’s long-standing dominance in presidential fast-food diplomacy.

“Look, we know the man has strong brand loyalty,” said one Wendy’s executive, speaking on condition of anonymity while nervously refreshing Truth Social. “But if the burger literally has his name on it, we feel like we at least have a fighting chance.”

The move is widely seen as a direct attempt to disrupt McDonald’s monopoly on official presidential junk-food consumption. For years, the Golden Arches have reportedly enjoyed exclusive access to late-night motorcades, campaign rallies, and emergency press conferences requiring large quantities of Filet-O-Fish.

Wendy’s leadership insists the rebrand is purely strategic.  “We’re not trying to flatter anyone,” the executive added. “But if a simple name change can unlock the White House catering market, we’re prepared to go even further.”

Sources inside the company say several additional menu updates are already under consideration, including the “Executive Order Fries,” “Covfefe Frosty,” and a limited-time “Make America Bacon Again Burger.”

Political observers say the gambit could pay off if the president notices. “If history tells us anything,” one analyst said, “it’s that putting someone’s name on a burger is basically the highest form of political tribute in America.”

McDonald’s was reportedly considering countermeasures of its own, including renaming the Quarter Pounder the “Trump Pounder” and installing a small gold escalator inside every restaurant.