Because, Florida!

Chris P. Khritter  |  Political Correspondent, FL Keys Bureau

TALLAHASSEE, Fla. — Calling it "a fun way to reconnect with one of Florida's most cherished election traditions," Secretery of State Jenkins announced Friday that the state will return to the infamous butterfly ballot for the 2026 midterm elections.

Governor Ron DeSantis, who leaves office after next year's election, shrugged off criticism during the announcement.  "I'm a lame duck," he said. "I don't know... fuck it. Let's see what happens."

The governor later clarified that the decision followed a 9-2 vote by the Florida Historical Preservation Commission, which concluded the butterfly ballot was "an irreplaceable part of Florida's cultural identity."

Officials also confirmed that Ralph Nader will once again appear on the ballot "strictly for historical accuracy."  "We tried leaving him off," one elections official admitted. "It just didn't feel authentic."

We've learned a great deal since 2000," Jenkins said. "For example, this time we'll have magnifying glasses available at every polling place."

The state also announced that volunteer election workers will undergo specialized training in identifying dimples, pregnant chads, hanging chads, detached chads, and what officials described as "whatever the hell we called the other ones."

CNN, Fox News, MSNBC, ABC, CBS, and NBC jointly announced they have already begun preparing viewers by dusting off archival graphics reading 'Too Close to Call' and 'Florida Recount Continues.'Several network executives admitted they were "surprised those graphics had ever been put away."

When asked whether he supported the plan, US Secretary of State Marco Rubio reportedly sighed before answering:  "I have not yet been told what I think."

Florida residents appeared largely unfazed.

"Honestly," said one Orlando man while feeding an alligator leftover fried chicken in a Walmart parking lot, "this probably isn't even the weirdest thing that'll happen here this week."

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