Mike Johnson sponsors bill making Epstein Island 51st State

By Drew  |  EIC, Opinionated Ass, Ghostly Apparition

WASHINGTON, DC -- In a surprise move not seen since nobody can remember when, House soeajer Mike Johnson announced late Saturday that he is sponsoring a bill so the notorious Epstein Island can officially become America’s 51st state.

The decision came after lawmakers realized it was nearly impossible to conduct their cover-ups and subterfuge on the Epstein probe without two more Senate votes and 1 more vote in the house. Since the only people at Epstein Island are pedophiles and criminals, it's an easy two seat pick-up for the GOP.

A NEW STATE LIKE NO OTHER

According to the legislation, “Epsteinia” will have:
• Two senators, preferably either not-yet-convicted or, at least, pardonable.
• A governor appointed by whichever lobbyist has the most loyalty to  DonaldTrump
• A capital city tentatively named ‘Ghislaineburg’
• An official bird: The Atlantic Bubbablower
• And a memorable State Motto: “Ssshhhhhh!”

ECONOMIC PROSPECTS

Lawmakers touted “exciting job opportunities,” including:
• A service sector built around shredding documents, wiping hard drives, redacting services, and money laundering.
• Serving as human scarecrows to keep billionaire yachts from bumping into the island
• Acting as ambassadors to other communities with available young girls

Tourism officials are already selling slogan T-shirts that read:
“what Happens in Epsteinia, better fucking stay in Epsteinia or more people will be suicided". Officials agree the slogan needs a little work still.

POLITICAL IMPACT 

The new state is expected to lean heavily Republican. Given that most of its residents cannot vote, drive, or skip school on election day, electoral turnout will likely be low.

Still, MAGA loyalists praised the move:

Lindsay Graham called it “a bold step in reducing human trafficking by labeling it something else.”

Vice President JD Vance celebrated it as “the first state whose political infrastructure was already totally corrupt before we got to it.”

LIBERAL GROUPS FURIOUS

Progressive organizations condemned the decision, calling it “the legislative equivalent of hiding laundry under the bed.”

They also objected to the proposed state flag, which is reportedly just a training bra hanging on a stick.

CELEBRATIONS PLANNED

Johnson is confident he and the President can push this through quickly, and legally-adjacent. A swearing-in ceremony is scheduled for next month, though officials warned attendees to wear masks to conceal their identities and avoid standing near anything that might be bugged. 

President Trump is expected to deliver remarks. Advisors say The President will ramble on incoherently for 15 or 20 minutes on Tuesday at 1 pm in the rubble of the East Wing, and Fox News will pretend it made sense right after. 

Most experts agreed, of course: Epstein Didn't Kill Himself