Rehoboth Resident Likes To Open Up About Himself

By Arnold Santos  |  Lifestyle Correspondent

REHOBOTH BEACH — Guests at Saturday night’s charity cocktail at The Blue Moon were treated to live jazz, a tasteful buffet, and an unexpected encounter with a man who made sure everyone knew he was both vegan and a CrossFitter before the second round of Cosmos hit the bar.  A tall, fit man, tan, toned, and radiating the sort of energy usually reserved for motivational speakers and people on month three of Whole30 — in a casually sophisticated hemp polo, introduced himself only as “Eli.”

The event, a gala fundraiser for the Alexandria, VA based Twinks For A Better Algorithm, was billed as a charitable effort to “raise awareness and lower expectations”.  As usual, the annual event drew a crowd of roughly a hundred-seventy donors.

“Eli was at the buffet telling complete strangers that the couscous was ‘technically vegan but cross-contaminated by utensil contact,’” said longtime Blue Moon patron Denise Fontana. “He was standing next to shrimp cocktail while explaining how shrimp have complex emotional lives.”

The buffet featured roast tenderloin, crab bites, mini quiches, and two specifically labeled vegan options: hummus with crudités and something described as mystery lentil sliders. Eli, according to witnesses, loaded up on both.

“He made sure everyone saw him do it,” said one guest. “He narrated his plate like a TED Talk.”

“He walked everyone through the moral implications of ranch dressing,” said patron Troy Davidson. “He made a very compelling case against aioli.”

By dessert, Eli had seamlessly pivoted from veganism to his CrossFit regimen. Overheard topics included his personal dead-lift record, the importance of community accountability, and his recent emotional breakthrough during “a very intense WOD.”

"I mean, by the time he left, everyone in the place felt like we knew everything about him - how he exists in the moment and his life-changing squat-to-gratitude ratio," said Fontana.

It wasn’t until later that several guests discovered Eli was, in fact, a Medal of Honor recipient, Nobel Laureate, and one of the twelve living Americans to have walked on the moon.

“We had to find out from Wikipedia,” said Davidson. “He could’ve opened with, ‘I saved a platoon and pioneered lunar soil research,’ but nope — it was all about chickpeas and burpees."

“I didn’t even know he’d been to space,” said another attendee. “But I sure as hell know he’s gluten-free.”

Reached for comment Sunday morning, Eli simply confirmed that he “tries to live intentionally” and that “animal protein is the real moral gravity problem.”

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Boardwalk Barker is a satirical publication. The stories and quotes herein are works of humor and parody.