Reports of Immigrants Eating Family Pets Down 100% in 2025

By Darnell Sullivan  |  Senior Political Correspondent, Black Guy

SPRINGFIELD, USA — In what officials are calling a historic victory for law, order, and household animals everywhere, reports of immigrants eating family pets have reportedly fallen 100 percent in the twelve months since Donald Trump returned to the White House.

According to local authorities, the dramatic drop comes after years of unchecked pet consumption allegedly flourished under the Biden administration, when “soft leadership” allowed immigrants to freely roam suburban neighborhoods harvesting Labradors, tabby cats, ducks, and the occasional emotionally fragile goldendoodle.

“People were losing pets at an alarming rate,” said one local official, Thomas Picknell, who requested anonymity because he could not remember ever seeing this actually happen. “Three… maybe four animals a day. Just gone. One minute your dog’s chasing a tennis ball, the next he’s a stew.”

Residents say the disappearances stopped almost overnight following Trump’s election victory.

“It was incredible,” said Springfield homeowner Gary W., clutching his unharmed beagle. “The moment Trump won, it was like a switch flipped. Immigrants just… stopped eating pets. Totally afraid. You could feel it.”

Administration officials attribute the success to Trump’s “firm stance” on immigration and a renewed sense of fear among undocumented residents.

“They’re not afraid of Sleepy Joe,” explained one Trump supporter. “But a responsible administration? That scares people straight. You tell them consequences are back, and suddenly nobody’s slow-cooking Fluffy anymore.”

The White House released a statement praising the results, calling the drop in pet consumption “another example of strong leadership restoring basic American norms like not eating the neighbor’s dog.”

Despite the celebratory tone, experts note that there were never any verified reports of immigrants eating family pets in the first place.

When pressed for documentation, officials cited “Facebook posts,” “something someone heard,” and “a guy who swore his cat looked nervous.”

Still, supporters insist the numbers speak for themselves.

“You can’t argue with a 100 percent drop,” said a local man wearing three flags. “If something goes from happening all the time to never happening, that’s proof it was real.”

Animal advocacy groups report that dogs and cats across the nation remain cautiously optimistic.

“My cat is still watching the door,” said Springfield resident Linda M. “But at least now she feels safer knowing there’s a president who takes imaginary threats seriously.”