Trump/Kennedy Center Board Takes Patriotic Stand

By Arnold Santos  |  Associate Editor Arts

WASHINGTON — The newly restructured, aggressively patriotic Kennedy Center board announced this week that all operas written in “foreign or confusing languages” will now be performed exclusively in English, beginning with Puccini’s Il Trittico this March.

Board members cited long-standing concerns that American taxpayers have been “unknowingly subsidizing performances they cannot understand."

“Why are we spending millions of dollars so people can sing dramatically about pasta in Italian?” said one board official, speaking on condition of anonymity because he still isn’t sure what opera is. “If it’s worth singing, it’s worth singing in American.”

Board officials confirmed that the new English-only rule is part of a broader “Opera Accountability Initiative,” designed to ensure that audiences “know exactly what’s going on at all times, including who the good guy is.”

Under the new directive, Il Trittico will be translated line-by-line into plain English, with updated dialogue designed to better reflect traditional American values such as grit, personal responsibility, and using your phone during the performance.

Future productions will follow suit. Verdi’s La Traviata is already being reworked under the working title “That Woman Should Probably Settle Down”, while Rigoletto is reportedly being adapted into a straightforward cautionary tale about workplace loyalty."

The board has also recommended replacing traditionally trained opera singers with “recognizable American performers,” including a proposal to cast “the guy who played Chachi” as the lead tenor “because he looks like someone who’s been through some stuff. “Look, Chachi is a real American success story,” Willingham said. “Plus, we believe he may be Italian, ICE is looking into it.”

In addition to language changes, all performers will now be required to pass a newly created Cultural Authenticity Certification, verifying that any “fat lady singing” is biologically female, and has “never questioned gender norms."

“Opera was never meant to be mysterious,” the board said in a statement. “If people wanted something that requires subtitles to understand, they’d watch foreign films — which we’re also looking into.”