DELDOT To Replace Route 1 Traffic Lights With Roundabouts

By Buzz Gulliver | Staff Reporter
Rehoboth Beach, Del. —

In a move hailed as "bold," "visionary," and "potentially catastrophic," the Delaware Department of Transportation (DELDOT) announced plans today to replace every traffic light on Route 1 with a series of charming, confusing roundabouts. Construction is scheduled to kick off Memorial Day weekend — just in time for the first wave of summer tourists to experience unprecedented levels of disorientation.
At a press conference held in the middle of a particularly chaotic Lowe’s parking lot, Sussex County Councilman Fred "Steering Wheel" Simmons praised the initiative.
"This is how we win the war on congestion," Simmons declared, while dodging a minivan making a three-point turn. "Roundabouts worked for medieval Europe. They'll work for Rehoboth Beach. Plus, nothing says 'old-timey quality of life' like getting lost three times before you find the Wawa."
Under the current plan, each intersection will feature a whimsically landscaped roundabout, complete with decorative lighthouses, bronze horseshoe crabs, and at least one baffling yield sign facing the wrong direction. Locals and visitors alike will be required to merge aggressively, signal sporadically, and learn the subtle art of passive-aggressive hand gestures.
When asked why construction was scheduled to begin on the busiest travel weekend of the year, DELDOT spokesperson Marsha Blinkley explained, "We figured if people are already trapped in traffic for six hours, they might not notice the additional delays. Also, our contractor's cousin has a surf shop that needs more walk-in business."
Public reaction has been mixed.
Longtime resident Gloria P. of Lewes said, "Frankly, I welcome it. I miss the good old days when getting anywhere involved at least two U-turns, three near-collisions, and one heated argument about right-of-way. This is progress."
Meanwhile, skeptics have launched a grassroots movement called "Keep Route 1 Weird But Passable," advocating for a simpler solution: installing a zipline from Five Points directly to the beach.
Despite concerns, DELDOT remains optimistic. In a closing statement, Blinkley added, "Sure, there might be a learning curve. But think of it this way — by Labor Day, everyone will either have mastered roundabouts or just given up and bought a kayak."

---------

BoardWalk Barker is a satirical publication. The stories and quotes herein are works of humor and parody.