Santa Returns to Philly, Crew of 'Hells Elves' in Tow
Santa showed up with his list to move deserving dickhead fans immediately to the naughty column
By Megan Dawes | Associate Editor, Sports Contributor
Saint Nicholas made a surprise return to Lincoln Financial Field this afternoon — flanked by his squad of goons unofficially dubbed the 'Hell's Elves' by onlookers.
Santa, to show he wadnt fucking around, wore red and hummed "Hail to the Redskins" as if daring a confrontation. The gritty toy-shop giants, dressed in Commanders and Dallas jerseys, formed a protective wedge as Santa entered the stadium to chants of:
“SAHN-TA! SAHN-TA! ASS-HOLE! ASS-HOLE!
Santa showed up with his list in hand, quill at the ready to move deserving dickhead fans immediately to the naughty column. Twinkle, one of Santa's bodyguards, said that Santa would never be caught off guard again in Philly.
Santa declined comment, but his head security elf, Sugarplum, issued a brief statement from behind mirrored aviators. “Big Red is here to deliver joy and maybe one or two upper-cuts.
Don’t crowd him, and don’t bring up the 1968 snowball incident.”
NFL security, meanwhile, praised the elves’ presence, saying the squad “brings the intimidation and holiday cheer needed in a stadium known for batteries, beer cans, and emotional honesty.” Since the jail was removed from the stadium, NFL officials hope the threat of immediate naughty listing will serve as a similar deterrent to violence.
But if it doesn't, you better believe Father Christmas is ready to show some bitches "who's ya Daddy?!"
