Royal Rumble. C-store Brawl Breaks Out in Lincoln
Pro Chicken-Palooza Gangs clashed with Hoagie Fest Hooligans to Wreak Havoc in Orgy of Violence
By Tanya Rollins | Assoc Editor, News Division
LINCOLN, DE — What began as a routine listing for a completely undeveloped, commercially zoned corner lot with direct access to Highway 1 escalated Saturday into what officials are calling “the most intense convenience-store–related conflict in American history."
The parcel, long considered one of the last remaining untouched corners in Sussex County with both visibility and turn-lane potential, reportedly drew immediate interest from representatives of both Royal Farms and Wawa—two regional giants whose shared mission, according to internal documents, is to ensure that no undeveloped corner lot in Delaware remains spiritually empty.
According to witnesses, the initial dispute remained civil, consisting primarily of spreadsheets, renderings, and passive-aggressive comments about parking flow. However, tensions rose when executives from both companies realized only one could claim the site.
What followed has been described by police as “a kerfuffle,” which quickly devolved into fisticuffs.
The altercation spilled from the conference room into the parking lot, then into the surrounding neighborhood, as additional corporate leadership arrived on scene “to support the brand.” Within minutes, both sides reportedly activated long-dormant strategic war plans, unleashing what experts later confirmed was a no-holds-barred effort to secure the parcel.
By mid-afternoon, the National Guard had been called in to establish a perimeter. Air support from Dover Air Force Base was requested shortly thereafter, as the situation was deemed “no longer metaphorical.” Drones were deployed. Helicopters circled. At least one executive was seen shouting about curb cuts while being escorted to safety.
Despite the scale of the conflict, officials confirmed there were no fatalities, though dozens were treated for injuries ranging from minor bruises to acute zoning-related trauma.
After nearly seven hours of sustained combat, Wawa emerged victorious in what historians are already calling one of the bloodiest and hardest-fought battles in the history of convenience-store wars.
In a statement released late Saturday, Wawa emphasized that it looks forward to being “a valuable member of the neighborhood,” adding that the new location will feature “lots of fresh stuff, competitive gas prices, and an unwavering commitment to occupying this corner forever.”
Royal Farms declined to comment, though sources confirm the company has already begun scouting three nearby intersections “out of spite.”
As of press time, the lot remains undeveloped.
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