Trump Executive Order Replaces Delaware with Greenland

By Rusty Clawrence | Staff Reporter
Rehoboth Beach, Del. --

In a surprise move Thursday morning, President Donald J. Trump signed an executive order declaring that the State of Delaware will be "administratively replaced" by Greenland, citing "strategic advantages," "better branding opportunities," and a "personal dislike of Joe Biden’s beach house."

"We’re bringing in Greenland, very big, very beautiful land, much better than Delaware," the President said during an impromptu press event held at a hastily assembled podium outside the White House Rose Garden. "No one really knows what Delaware does. I asked around. Nothing. It’s very sad."

According to the text of the executive order, Delaware will be allowed to physically remain along the East Coast "for the time being," but it will be legally designated as "an offshore property of limited significance." Plans are underway to install a border fence around the First State, which Trump assured reporters "Delaware will absolutely pay for. One hundred percent."

Homeland Security officials, caught off-guard by the announcement, confirmed that preliminary designs for the Delaware Border Wall are already being reviewed.
"It’s not about keeping people in or out," said acting DHS Secretary Ron Pewter. "It’s more of a visual reminder that something different is happening."

In Rehoboth Beach, former President Joe Biden was seen outside TICS Ice Cream Shop, apparently unfazed by the developments. Witnesses reported Biden enjoying what one employee identified as "Booger Blast" — a novelty flavor introduced for April Fool’s Day but left in the freezer by accident.
When asked by reporters for comment on Delaware's sudden diplomatic downgrade, Biden responded:
"C'mon man, Delaware’s America’s backyard! You don't put a wall around your backyard! Also, this tastes weird. Is this supposed to be pistachio?"

Meanwhile, a hastily formed "Delaware Independence Task Force" has begun strategizing next steps. Early proposals include petitioning for UNESCO World Heritage Site status, offering tax incentives to passing cargo ships, and, if necessary, rebranding as "Southern New Jersey."

The Greenlandic government, when reached for comment, simply stated, "We did not ask for this."

As of press time, Trump was reportedly exploring additional executive orders, including a plan to replace New Hampshire with Pluto ("which has been treated very unfairly"), and to trade Puerto Rico for a less shitty island; maybe somewhere upscale, or possibly near Melania's homeland. Wherever the fuck that is.