Americans Hope Trump Gets Checks Out Before Going To Prison

By Drew  |   Rabble-rouser, Muckraker, EIC

WASHINGTON, DC -- Taxpayers across the country spent Friday refreshing their banking apps like their lives depended on it — because in a way, they do. Their increasingly erratic President, a man whose leadership style has been compared to “an orange sloth on meth driving a bus,” promised everyone a $2,000 bonus “from tariff money” (which the President does not collect, is not entitled to, and technically doesn’t exist).

And now the race is on:

Can he get the checks out before the US Congress finally grows a set of balls and has US Park Police pry him out of his office like old gum from a sidewalk?

Congress: Protection for Years, Panic Today

For years, his subservient enablers in Congress have protected him through every scandal — the State Of The Union Addresses written in crayon, the meltdown during the staff meeting where he shouted “FAKE NEWS!” for 17 minutes and then wept, the time he tried to replace Social Security with a plan built around “patriotic NFTs.”

They defended him after two impeachment, 37 felony convictions, found liable for r*pe and saxual assault, ĥuman-trafficking investigations, a traitorous coup attempt, and that disastrous speech where he practically declared himself President for Life.

But at last, he has crossed even their line. And I'll admit, I way underestimated just how far that line was. But with the new Epstein-gate revelations, documents and emails starting to come out, it's going to be even more deranged and fucked up than even a sick mind such as myself would dare to devise for fear of accusations of extreme hyperbole and partisan exagerration.

The Epstein reveals finally did it -- or will do it soon enough. There will be no holding back the flood now that these salacious, disturbing accusations and even first-hand accounts are trickling out. The dam has been breached, in this reporters opinion. Which is probably useless.

GOP House members are now openly discussing “removal,” “transition,” and, according to one anonymous source, “a tranquilizer dart.”

The Country's Dilemma: Justice vs. Free Money

Liberals are furious. They want him gone.

Just… not yet.

“I want consequences,” said office manager Devin Robinson. “Real ones. Orange jumpsuit. Perp walk. Dateline special. The whole package.
But FIRST, I want those sweet, sweet Tariff dollars. After that? Cancel him. Impeach him, jail him, and bring on the next clown. I don’t care.”

A Capitol Hill staffer, Tommy Paradise, 27, of Rockville, MD, who spoke to us on condition of anonymity, added:

> “You think my morals are stronger than $2,000? Brother, please.”

His Loyalists Begin to Crack

For years, the President cultivated a core group of disgruntled voters who defended his every decision — even the ones involving all-caps memos sent at 3 a.m. that simply read, "COVFEFE..", or “THE TARIFF FAIRY IS REAL.”

These MAGA loyalists wore matching merch made in China, repeated nonsensical slogans, and assured others that the Dear Leader had a “secret master plan.”

But now?

Even they are peeling away.

One former loyalist whispered:

> “I stood by him through the screaming fits, the investigations, the part where he tried to nuke a hurricane or when he wanted to fire the sun for ‘being too woke.’

I was even prepared to compromise my deepest held convictions and look the other way on the ped*phi1ia, but if we find out Vlad has pics of him bl*wlng Bill, I mean, c'mon... Bill?  Of course, when he said the Tariff Refund was coming, I've cooled my heels a little on calling for the torches and pitchforks. You know, until we gets paid."

Meanwhile in the White House

Sources say the Don has barricaded himself in the residence, surrounded by fast-food wrappers and legal threats scribbled on napkins.

He reportedly spent the morning shouting through the door and posting on Truth Social:

> “THE CHECKS ARE REAL!
THEY’RE COMING!
CONGRESS AND THE DEMOCRATS JUST DON’T WANT YOU TO HAVE THEM!”

One intern swears she heard him practicing a victory speech into a hairbrush.

The $2,000 Miracle Everyone Is Waiting For

The plan — such as it is — is to send Americans a surprise $2,000 “bonus” from a mysterious fund he calls “Tariff Overflow Revenues,” a term that does not appear in any accounting manual, legal doctrine, or known financial reality.

But workers don’t care.

“Bruh,” said IT specialist Malik J., “I don’t even LIKE this guy. But that check is my new TV. So yes, I hope he survives the week.”

The Clock Is Ticking

Senators are reportedly ready to remove him as soon as the House votes on Articles Of Impeachment — unless, as one Senate aide put it, “he tries to claim executive immunity from being perp-walked out through the new ballroom.”

American taxpayers and workers, however, have a more urgent schedule:

> “I want to see justice,” said administrative assistant Lena Scott, of Leesburg, VA.
“I want accountability. I want closure.
But most importantly — I want those checks direct-deposited before justice kicks in.”

One American worker summed it up perfectly while still  staring at his bank ledger:

> “Please let bribe... er... Tariff Refund checks hit before reality, and prison, hits him.”

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Boardwalk Barker is a satirical publication. The stories and quotes herein are works of humor and parody.