SurfBagel NOT a Cryptocurrency
The SurfBagel token was expected to rise after breakfast trading opened.
By Buzz Gulliver, Seaside Finance Correspondent
LEWES, DE — What began as a promising investment morning ended in confusion and light indigestion when local resident Tricia Dampier, 42, discovered that Surf Bagel — long assumed to be a “stable breakfast coin” — is, in fact, a regional bagel shop.
“I was ready to diversify my portfolio,” said Dampier, still holding an everything bagel she had “purchased for proof-of-stake.” “The logo had waves, the name had ‘Surf,’ and the cashier told me it would ‘go great with schmear.’ It all sounded like startup talk.”
Witnesses report that Dampier entered the Lewes Surf Bagel location at 9:03 a.m. asking to “buy a few shares before the next halving.” Employees, unfamiliar with crypto terminology, assumed she meant a breakfast combo.
> “I told her she could stake her claim at table three,” said store manager Jared Pennington. “She kept asking where she could ‘mint’ her receipt. Eventually, we just handed her a sesame with cream cheese and prayed for the best.”
Dampier says she had planned to “ride the carb curve” before liquidating her bagels into “seed capital” for a beach house. “I was going to reinvest the profits into PancakeSwap,” she said, “because it sounded like a related brand.”
Experts say she’s not alone in her confusion. According to a recent survey by the Delaware Bureau of Consumer Affairs, 14% of Sussex County residents believe “Dogecoin” refers to a grooming coupon.
“People see buzzwords like ‘surf,’ ‘coin,’ or ‘brew,’ and assume it’s fintech,” said local economist Dr. Hugh Trendle. “In Delaware, everything sounds like a potential startup or beer.”
Despite the misunderstanding, Dampier insists she’s not giving up on her investment dreams. “The bagel actually went up in value the more I ate it,” she said. “So maybe I’m still ahead.”
Surf Bagel could not be reached for comment, as their press contact reportedly “took the morning off to toast."
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BoardWalk Barker is a satirical publication. The stories and quotes herein are works of humor and parody.
