HEALTH ALERT. AND COUPONS

By Brenda Buhlomi  |  Medical Correspondant, BwB Midwest Bureau

PAWNEE, IN - At a joint press briefing Tuesday, a former independent presidential hopeful and a former TV doctor dazzled supporters by unveiling their enthusiastic plans for what they called “a far more crowd-pleasing pandemic than the last one.”

HHS Secretary, RFK jr, assured the audience that while C0V1D-19 was “a solid opening act,” the new strain — informally dubbed C0V1D-26 — would be “an absolute show-stopper — the kind of plague that would really bring the country together in anger, confusion, and homemade remedies.”

Dr. Oz, standing beside him nodded eagerly, explaining that American private-sector virus developers “simply work at a higher standard than those Chinese Wuhan labs” and that “this time, the symptoms will be more stylish, more photogenic, and way more Instagrammable.”

In true grifter style consistent with the Trump Administration, the press event also included a product launch:
Oz proudly revealed a new line of premium designer face coverings available through his personal Shopify-based marketplace. These fashionable masks come in seven bold styles, including:
“Patriot Red”
“Quarantine Chic”
“Executive Order Black”
“My Body My Choice — Except This”
“The Wuhan-’t Mask”
“Tastefully Terrified”
and the ultra-exclusive ‘Limited Edition Symptom-Wear’ model

In a surprise remote appearance, former presidential offspring Eric Trump joined the event via video screen to announce what he called “a revolutionary at-home purification breakthrough.”

Trump revealed a joint development venture with a Saudi-based tech consortium to mass-produce personal internal illumination devices, allowing citizens to “blast viruses out of existence by simply jamming a patented Light Delivery Wand™ into their keester.”
“Viruses hate light. And people have a perfectly good biological tunnel where nobody ever shines any.”

According to promotional materials, the Light Delivery Wand™ uses FDA-researched (but not approved, tested, examined, verified, endorsed, documented, or even politely observed) bio-luminescent frequencies and will be available in three fashionable colors on at www.ass-stick.com.

In further personal enrichment financial news, Trump added that he had taken a “small but visionary” investment stake in a Shenzhen-based chemical startup currently developing next-generation injectable disinfectants, described as “twice as purifying and three times as minty.”

He assured the audience that the company’s new bleach compound is “so clean and fresh, you’ll practically glow with sanitation.”

The audience responded with polite applause, confused coughing, and one medically-concerned groan.

While details of the upcoming pandemic were kept vague, the candidate promised that “American innovation would deliver a virus the world would never forget,” quickly adding that it would also create “the greatest merch opportunity of our lifetimes.”

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Editor's Note: We are pretty sure Ass-Stick was also Eric Trump's nickname in high school.

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Boardwalk Barker is a satirical publication. The stories and quotes herein are works of humor and parody.