Local MAGA Man Has No Balls

By Darnell Simpson  |  Chief Political Correspondent

SUSSEX COUNTY, DE — Taking inspiration from recent renovations at the White House, local MAGA enthusiast Randy “Big Freedom” Haskins decided it was finally time to expand his own estate — specifically, by adding a ballroom to the east wing of his single-wide.

“You see what they did up there in D.C.? That big ballroom? That's class,” Haskins said, standing proudly in the splintered remains of what used to be his living room wall. “Well, if it's good enough for Trump, it's good enough for me."

Lacking both a construction crew and what experts might call a plan, Haskins recruited his buddy Dale, who owns a 1997 backhoe and has a well-documented history of making bad decisions while wearing denim.

Within 40 minutes, the entire east side of the trailer was peeled open “like a giant can of freedom-flavored sardines,” according to one neighbor who stopped filming only to call her insurance agent.

Haskins said the ballroom will host “galas, state dinners, and freedom-themed social functions,” though when pressed for specifics, he admitted he couldn’t name a single person who would actually attend.

“Well, Karen from down the road used to bake cookies for us,” he said, staring into the middle distance. “But she ain’t talked to me since I told her the vaccine has Bluetooth.”

Haskins’ wife, Debra, is reportedly “not on board” with the project, mostly because they have:

zero plans,

zero guests, and

zero balls scheduled for the foreseeable future.

“I told Randy the only ball he needs is the one he clearly doesn’t have,” Debra told reporters while dragging a soggy recliner out of the yard. “We haven’t hosted so much as a potluck since he started yelling about George Soros in the produce aisle.”

Despite mounting structural issues, weather risk, marital tension, and the raccoon now living rent-free in the exposed insulation, Haskins remains optimistic.

“The President’s got a ballroom. I’m gonna have a ballroom. That’s how patriots live.”