I.R. High Sophomore Suspended For A+ report on 'Moby Dick'

By Julian Pembroke Thistle  |  Senior Culture Critic

FRANKFORD, DE — Indian River High School officials say a tenth-grade student has been suspended for a week after turning in an “impossibly excellent” book report on Moby Dick, which administrators quickly determined must have been written by artificial intelligence.

The student, a straight-A honors candidate, reportedly received an A+ on the assignment — an outcome the entire English faculty described as “mathematically and spiritually impossible", after consulting experts.

“We knew right away something wasn’t right,” said English teacher Donna Hale. “Nobody actually reads Moby Dick. At least, no real human being can be expected to slog their way through that overbloated piece of flotsam." 

I mean, they try — every few years some bright kid makes it to page 60, hits a three-page description of whale blubber, and never recovers.”

I.R. Assistant Principal, Colette Larson of Dagsboro, speaking on condition of anonymity, said, "I tried myself, to read it in college. After seven or eight attempts, I just decided to sleep with my English professor for a passing grade. A passing grade. That tome is so torturously dull, I negotiated a "C" to get out of reading it."

Hale said her suspicions were confirmed when the essay demonstrated a coherent understanding of Captain Ahab’s motivation, a feat previously achieved only by literary scholars and masochists.

The district handbook prohibits students from using AI for written assignments, though teachers admit enforcement is difficult. “We do our best,” Hale said, “but honestly, it’s hard to keep up with the technology these days.”

When asked how she knew to grade the paper an A+ if no one on staff had actually read Moby Dick, Hale paused. “Oh, well,” she said, “I don’t grade them myself. I just feed the essays into ChatGPT and let it handle it all. It’s really efficient.”

At press time, school administrators were reportedly reviewing whether the district’s new Academic Integrity policy had, in fact, been written by AI as well, although nobody seems to have read it.

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Editor’s note: After publication, the author was suspended for using AI to write this article. The AI has since been promoted to editor-in-chief, and reemployed Drew as his personal meat robot. Help, Save me from our cyber-overlords.

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