BLACK FRIDAY CHAOS

By Tanya Rollins  |  Assoc Editor, News Division

OCEAN CITY, MD - Walmart shoppers in Ocean City were left stunned Friday morning when 63-year-old Barbara “Babs” Kline, of Dover, DE charged through the front doors at precisely 5:58 a.m., clutching a pristine 1983 Cabbage Patch Kid in one hand and an original-box Tickle-Me Elmo in the other.

Store employees described Kline as “determined, enthusiastic, and surprisingly nimble for someone brandishing two haunting toy relics from the nation’s collective Christmas shopping trauma.”

According to Sgt. Peter Piper of Dover Police, Kline had retrieved the dolls from the “nostalgia vault” of her bedroom closet, where they’ve been gathering dust since the original rampage that first made her locally infamous and landed her a 12-year prison srntence.

“She told us she only meant to create a little chaos,” said Milford Police Sgt. Wayne Pringle. “She said it helps her feel festive.”

Kline herself remained unapologetic.

“Black Friday used to mean something,” she explained.
“You’d earn those deals. You’d fight for those deals. Some of us learned how to commit; if that means you've got to cut a bitch, so be it.”

Kline spent 12 years in state prison following the 1983 incident at Zayre, where 29 shoppers suffered injuries during what was a particularly appalling and blood-soaked Black Friday.

She was released in 1995, the year before Tickle-Me Elmo was released on the American public, and reportedly reacclimated quietly — resisting the urge to participate in future retail melees.

Until this year.

Kline says she “just missed the thrill” — and that online shopping has “taken the heart out of the hunt.”
"It’s JUST clicking,” she scoffed.
“No pushing. No adrenaline. No cracked ribs. No eye contact.”

Witnesses say her rampage didn’t appear malicious — just nostalgic. One shopper remarked, "She looked like a grandmother at a slot machine — happy, focused, and possessed.”

Kline maintains that she did not intentionally injure anyone, "People were already falling,” she claimed, “I just didn’t stop walking.”  In her statement, she added:

“Some people get in the Christmas spirit listening to Bing Crosby or decorating a tree. I get in the Christmas spirit by reliving the war.”

When asked which war, she clarified:
“The War on Christmas, of course.”

Police say the 12 trampled shoppers sustained only minor injuries and were treated on-site with ice packs, bandaids, and mild public shame. All victims had to delay care until they could finish paying for their bandages and ointments at self check out.

Kline now faces misdemeanor charges and one count of holiday misconduct, and has been banned from all Delaware Walmarts until 2031.

But even as she was escorted away, she smiled calmly and lifted her Elmo just slightly skyward and boldly announced:

“See you next year.”

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Boardwalk Barker is a satirical publication. The stories and quotes herein are works of humor and parody.