Bidens Perform Farcical Aquatic Ceremony

REHOBOTH BEACH — In a ceremony that was equal parts solemn, absurd, and faintly fish-scented, Joe Biden, local celebrity beach resident and former pardoner-in-chief held an impromptu seaside event yesterday to officially pardon a seagull mimicking the traditional faux-ceremony performed every year by the sitting President.

Former First Lady, Dr. Jill Biden and a few select family members were present to play along with the confused elder statesman.

But during the ceremony — held beside a trash can and a suspiciously empty French fry box — Biden placed a hand over his heart, smiled calmly at the gull and said:

> “Listen here, Jack — this bird, this… this little fella — he didn’t mean nothin’ by takin’ those fries. Heck, back in Scranton, if a bird grabbed your lunch, you were lucky — meant you still had lunch! And when my dad said, ‘Joey, sometimes you gotta share your sandwich with someone who needs it,’ — well… heck, sometimes that someone is a bird.”

He then attempted to shake Skipper’s wing, missed, and briefly shook the microphone stand instead.

To dramatic applause from confused beachgoers, Skipper flapped his wings triumphantly and immediately stole a child’s chicken tender.

Local wildlife officials commented that pardoning a seagull has “no legal standing of any kind,” and added that the gull population of Rehoboth is already “more emboldened than ever and possibly unionizing.”

Biden responded by promising future mercy for “many wonderful birds” and hinting at a bigger event soon, possibly involving pelicans.

After about 10 minutes of mostly incoherently rambling, Jill shared a wink with the secret service and few observers who were present, then took Joe's hand and told him it was time to "get back to doing the important work of the people."
 

---

Editor’s Note: Despite claims about the former president's mental faculties, even he knows: Jeffery Epstein Didn't Kill Himself m