AOC Hasn’t Passed a Law, But Will Pass You a Great Cocktail

By Darnell Crump  |  Chief Political Correspondent

WASHINGTON, DC — While Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez may not have yet shepherded any major legislation into law during her tenure in Congress, eyewitnesses confirm she can shake a cocktail shaker like a Vegas pit boss on New Year’s Eve.

Sources close to the New York congresswoman say that although her Green New Deal “never made it past the coat check,” her signature Grasshopper Supreme is still considered a bold, minty vision of a transformed America. “It’s like drinking a Shamrock Shake with voting rights,” said one staffer, wiping foam off his upper lip.

Critics have long argued that AOC lacks the ability to cross the aisle legislatively. Yet even Republicans who oppose every bill she proposes openly admit her margaritas are “deeply bipartisan,” “surprisingly strong,” and “borderline dangerous.” During one closed-door Congressional reception, an unnamed Senator confessed that after his third AOC jalapeño-lime margarita, he “would’ve voted for D.C. statehood, Medicare for All, and possibly Queen Beyoncé.”

Her legislative record remains thin — the widely hyped Green New Deal sits stalled somewhere between “committee purgatory” and “TikTok activism.” And her attempt to block Trump’s “big, beautiful bill” fizzled faster than a flat seltzer. But insiders point out that her pina coladas have been known to convert at least two die-hard Republicans into temporary weekend socialists.

“She gave me a daiquiri once that made me want to tax corporations at 90%,” admitted one GOP aide. “Then I sobered up and went back to normal, but man… for three hours? I felt the revolution.”

Despite the jokes, even critics concede that AOC’s charisma is genuine. Whether she’s speaking into a microphone or leaning across a bar counter with a smirk, she’s got the confidence of someone who knows her audience—and knows when to toss in extra rum.

“In Congress, she can’t seem to get traction,” said one longtime Capitol Hill observer. “But put her behind a bar? She runs the room like Tip O’Neill with a citrus twist.”

With another election approaching, pundits predict more fiery speeches, more dead-on-arrival proposals, and yes — more legendary cocktails.

“If she ever gets a bill passed, it’ll be after happy hour,” said a Democratic strategist. “Because trust me — if you’ve tasted her daiquiris, you’d vote for her too.”