Out of Touch Dem Leaders Don't Think Blacks Can Get ID.

By Darnell Whatsisname  |  Chief Political Reporter, Black Guy w/ID

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Democratic leaders Adam Schiff and Chuck Schumer reportedly held a closed-door strategy session Tuesday after a long-commissioned internal study concluded that America's minorities and low-income citizens, are fully capable of attaining driver's licenses and ID cards, just as everyone else.

The 312-page report, titled “Unexpected Competency: A African-Anerican Voter Field Analysis,” stunned senior staff when it found that large majorities of Americans across demographic groups possess state-issued identification, and those who don’t generally understand how to obtain it.

“This complicates things,” Schiff was reported to have muttered while flipping through the executive summary. “We were really leaning into the ‘fragile paperwork victim’ lane.”
According to aides, Schumer briefly brightened after realizing the study could be reframed as “evidence of Democratic progress over the last several decades,” before being reminded that most of the data covered the last 50 years.

One black woman who was polled by Congressional aides said she was asked if she had a drivers license or if she knew how to get one should the need arise. Her reply?  "What am I, an idiot? Get out of here and leave me alone." The pollster walked away shamed and unsure whether to mark her response affirmative or negative.

"Why do they think we don't have or can't figure out how to get an ID card from the DMV?" asked a cafeteria worker who was polled by Schiff's people.  "Do they even know any black people?"

Sources say the emergency meeting included a brainstorming session titled: “Is It Too Late To Blame The DMV?”

One senior strategist reportedly suggested commissioning a follow-up study to determine whether minority and low-income voters might also be capable of reading ballots, using Google, and disagreeing with party leadership.

The room fell silent.

As of press time, leadership had not ruled out returning to the previous strategy of arguing about voter ID on cable panels indefinitely.