Ayatollah Issues Peace Condition

By Yusuf Ahmadi  |  BwB MidEast Bureau Contributor, Cannon Fodder

TEHRAN — In a surprising escalation of regional tensions, Iranian officials on Friday formally demanded that U.S. Vice President JD Vance travel to Israel and begin actively campaigning on behalf of Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, calling the move “a strategic necessity.”

“We believe VP Vance’s presence would immediately clarify the situation for Israeli voters,” said one senior Iranian spokesperson. “Nothing focuses a national conversation quite like JD Fuckin' Vance enthusiastically inserting himself into 

According to sources, Iranian leadership views the plan as a “high-impact, low-cost operation” designed to bring about regime change in Tel Aviv without direct military involvement.

“Frankly, we’re shocked this hasn’t been tried before,” the official added. “It’s like sending in a closer who specializes in unforced errors.”

Vance, who has recently increased his visibility on foreign policy matters by accidentally getting Orban ousted in Hungary and completely bungling the first round of Pakistan-sponsored Iran negotiations, has not commented publicly on the request, though aides confirmed he is “open to conversations about conversations regarding the possibility of considering it.”

Military analysts say the strategy reflects a asymmetric battle strategy of outsourcing geopolitical influence to useful idiots with a proven track record of “accelerating outcomes.”

“Whether intentional or not, there’s a belief that certain voices can rapidly consolidate opposition,” said one analyst. “It’s a kind of reverse endorsement effect.”

At press time, Iranian officials were reportedly exploring additional diplomatic measures, including requesting that several Fox News personalities repeat the phrase "Biden and Obama wouldn't have the guts to resign," after every Trump story.

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