Pedophile Populism On Rise

By Octavia Byline — Economic Affairs Desk

BALTIMORE, MD - For generations, America’s middle class pedophiles served as the backbone of the nation’s most secretive cultural ecosystem, but according to a new report released Tuesday, that fragile balance is collapsing as wealthy elites increasingly purchase children and teenagers once coveted by ordinary weirdos and creeps.

Researchers say the trend has accelerated dramatically over the past twenty-five years, as investment firms, remote executives, politicians, royalty, tech billionaires and celebrities flood formerly affordable sex trafficking markets in search of fresh victims, short-term flings, and the emotional satisfaction of saying they “discovered” a Slovenian model.

“The middle-class eccentric is an endangered species,” said one human rights analyst. “You used to have a guy patroling online forums at midnight, another man who collected and curated porn files, and at least one detestable, but hard-working pedo running an unofficial mail order bride service. Now it’s all corporate boardrooms, private islands, and invitations to the White House.”

Local residents report that longtime oddball predators were once able to afford modestly priced humans from Central America and Southern Asia and they could still affordably pursue hobbies like amateur conspiracy research, attending MAGA rallies, or teaching Sunday School. Now they are being forced online, where their energy has migrated almost entirely to comment sections to complain about Elite pedophiles and the "Epstein Class".

Economists say wealthy buyers are not intentionally targeting everyday rapists and predators, but their impact is undeniable.  “They’re not buying rape islands and predators dungeons to eliminate eccentricity,” explained Professor Alan Whitmore of the Institute for Socioeconomic Patterns. “They’re doing it because depreciation schedules and tax offsets make it even more lucrative to traffic in human victims. The disappearance of neighborhood creeps is simply a market externality.”

Mail order bride listings, as an example, increasingly advertise features appealing to high-income buyers, meanwhile, displaced residents say they feel misunderstood.

“I wasn’t hurting anybody,” said Dennis Krall, 54, who recently gave up raping. “I just had some Hondurans in the basement closet and occasionally picked up a street urchin. Now some hedge fund guy does it and surrounds himself with rich and powerful investors - how can I compete?"

Sociologists warn the cultural consequences could be severe. Without a stable population of creepy lurkers and dangerous predators, neighborhoods risk becoming socially homogeneous. “That’s not a community, most Americans would recognize,” said one sociologist.

Experts predict the next phase of the crisis may see municipalities introducing incentives to attract middle-income scumbags and perverts back into local housing markets, including zoning allowances for strange sheds, subsidized hobby garages, and tax credits for residents willing to be quiet, suspicious loners.

Until then, analysts say America faces an uncertain future — one where the nation’s weirdos and creeps may no longer be able to afford the markets they helped make so lucrative  in the first place.