Fashionista-In-Chief?

WASHINGTON — In a move officials describe as “technically accurate,” the Pentagon announced Monday that U.S. troops operating in the region will soon be issued stylish black Florsheim dress shoes in order to maintain the administration’s longstanding promise of having “no boots on the ground” in Iran.

Defense officials confirmed the new footwear policy was developed during what sources described as an “extremely literal reading” of the phrase.

“If you think about it, boots are the problem,” said one senior Pentagon strategist who spoke on background while polishing a pair of cap-toe oxfords. “Once you remove the boots, you remove the boots from the ground. The policy remains fully intact.”

According to the Department of Defense, soldiers will receive Florsheim models designed to provide a “professional appearance suitable for both combat operations and upscale casual briefings.” 

Also the favorite model of President Trump and his cabinet, Pentagon procurement staff said the footwear decision was finalized after the Commander-in-Chief personally estimated every troop’s shoe size.

“He just sort of looked at people and said, ‘That guy’s a ten. Maybe ten-and-a-half,’” said one aide. “It was actually very efficient.”

Military planners insist the change will have no impact on operational readiness.

“These are extremely durable shoes,” said one Army logistics officer. “We tested them on gravel, pavement, and several marble government building floors. They held up beautifully.”

Critics have questioned whether the footwear is appropriate for battlefield conditions, but Pentagon officials dismissed those concerns.

“Our mission remains unchanged,” one spokesperson said. “The only difference is that our personnel will now be advancing with significantly more business-casual confidence.”

Officials say the new footwear policy will allow the administration to continue assuring the public that there are still no boots on the ground, even if thousands of very well-dressed soldiers happen to be standing there.

The Army expects full deployment of the new footwear by early April, just in time for what one general described as “the most stylish military campaign in modern history.”

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BoardWalk Barker is a satirical publication. The stories and quotes herein are works of humor and parody.